My way of managing the relationship with my only sibling is to cut off all engagement. I’ve fully forgiven him but I’m exhausted after constant emotional and mental abuse that led to significant trauma for me. I’ve endured this my entire life. I realized he exerts his insecurities on me and my mom and I refuse to position myself in his presence. I’ve been down this road with him in the past and nothing has ever changed. I have a very small family (only 4 of us) so I hate that I’ve disrupted our holidays; however I have to guard my heart and mind.
I have multiple relationships that irk me. But ,learning to be okay with their imperfections and forgiving them is helpful. But also, those who annoy us are the mirrors to who we are. What are we projecting? I learned in therapy I'm so angry with myself I project my anger off on others telling ppl they/situations get on my nerves. When really while that may be true its also me who gets on my own nerves for now withholding the boundaries in the 1st place and not following my voice to speak up bc of lack of confidence. But I Eat myself up over my internal decisions over 2 relationships and I had to come to realization my part is where I need to be accountable and focus on fixing that not the hurt the other party caused, nor reliving or staying stuck in the past holding my own life back for what need isn't being met by me.
I watched some of that video you embedded here and was surprised that you agreed to be on such a sexist channel. Your books have been so helpful to me as I work on addressing the gender imbalances in my life. Do you challenge him on those attitudes? Should I keep watching?
I resonated with this deeply. The middle. That’s what I’m in in my relationship and reading this has made me see that thats ok. I’m not seeking perfection from it or anything else in my life in fact. I want more ease than hardship, more love than not, more joy than pain and as long as we stay on the right side of that all is well
Appreciate your ideas here, I’m moving through a lot of old stuff and stories that tell me I’m better off severing than enduring less than ideal situations.
But I’ve come to recognise how I get to lead, how I get to communicate with more maturity, and how acceptance doesn’t need to mean settling, it can be freedom.
Coming from an abusive home, it was really hard to tell what was actual abuse and what was just normal sibling behavior. Therapy treatment really helped me see the distinction. I'm glad you mentioned finding out the difference here because I think categorizing regular difficult relationships as "abusive" diminishes real abuse and allows it to continue. It's important to know the difference, I'd love to see you write more to that.
Amen. This is the truth and reality is that relationships aren't perfect, people aren't perfect and rather than be controlling or project my views - I take a break. Really I take a break when I notice that it's bothering me more than it bothers them (that someone mistreats them, that they hate people/places/jobs, or simply just don't act right). I have been more mindful of what I exert so I can enjoy my experiences. Thanks Mrs. Nedra!
☝🏾☝🏾 Loved this whole thing. I didn’t know how to put into words what I was trying to do in my marriage, but this helps me see that there has to be something in the middle between staying married and not being myself or asking my partner to not be himself AND divorce. This is it. We have just instated a weekly “separation,” where we get out of each other’s hair for several hours. And you know what, that might be all we need… not a divorce. I love this so much. We are not perfect. And I don’t want to make my spouse feel like he’s not enough just being himself.
This is exactly what I woke up thinking about today. Annoying behavior that is amplified when coming home from time away with friends. Ugh, it’s still a thing. Realizing that our families teach us how to care for each other in some annoying ways! Causing me to miss his mom in the midst of it all.
Such an important insight. Perfection is a vague concept when applied to humans and relationships. Challenging they all are - dealing with those challenges is as real for us as we, the challenge, are for others. Just because they are difficult, doesn't imply they have to be given up on, exception, you've already mentioned.
I have a close relationship that I've had to manage by reducing contact. I have changed the nature of "the game", to borrow terminology from the other party. Drama-free seems like a dream
My way of managing the relationship with my only sibling is to cut off all engagement. I’ve fully forgiven him but I’m exhausted after constant emotional and mental abuse that led to significant trauma for me. I’ve endured this my entire life. I realized he exerts his insecurities on me and my mom and I refuse to position myself in his presence. I’ve been down this road with him in the past and nothing has ever changed. I have a very small family (only 4 of us) so I hate that I’ve disrupted our holidays; however I have to guard my heart and mind.
I have multiple relationships that irk me. But ,learning to be okay with their imperfections and forgiving them is helpful. But also, those who annoy us are the mirrors to who we are. What are we projecting? I learned in therapy I'm so angry with myself I project my anger off on others telling ppl they/situations get on my nerves. When really while that may be true its also me who gets on my own nerves for now withholding the boundaries in the 1st place and not following my voice to speak up bc of lack of confidence. But I Eat myself up over my internal decisions over 2 relationships and I had to come to realization my part is where I need to be accountable and focus on fixing that not the hurt the other party caused, nor reliving or staying stuck in the past holding my own life back for what need isn't being met by me.
I watched some of that video you embedded here and was surprised that you agreed to be on such a sexist channel. Your books have been so helpful to me as I work on addressing the gender imbalances in my life. Do you challenge him on those attitudes? Should I keep watching?
I really, really loved this article. Everything about it just made me think, and it felt like I read it at a time when I needed these reminders!
Thank you for writing this ✨
I resonated with this deeply. The middle. That’s what I’m in in my relationship and reading this has made me see that thats ok. I’m not seeking perfection from it or anything else in my life in fact. I want more ease than hardship, more love than not, more joy than pain and as long as we stay on the right side of that all is well
Appreciate your ideas here, I’m moving through a lot of old stuff and stories that tell me I’m better off severing than enduring less than ideal situations.
But I’ve come to recognise how I get to lead, how I get to communicate with more maturity, and how acceptance doesn’t need to mean settling, it can be freedom.
Coming from an abusive home, it was really hard to tell what was actual abuse and what was just normal sibling behavior. Therapy treatment really helped me see the distinction. I'm glad you mentioned finding out the difference here because I think categorizing regular difficult relationships as "abusive" diminishes real abuse and allows it to continue. It's important to know the difference, I'd love to see you write more to that.
Amen. This is the truth and reality is that relationships aren't perfect, people aren't perfect and rather than be controlling or project my views - I take a break. Really I take a break when I notice that it's bothering me more than it bothers them (that someone mistreats them, that they hate people/places/jobs, or simply just don't act right). I have been more mindful of what I exert so I can enjoy my experiences. Thanks Mrs. Nedra!
Wow. You got to know when to hold’em and when to fold’em.(poker analogy)
☝🏾☝🏾 Loved this whole thing. I didn’t know how to put into words what I was trying to do in my marriage, but this helps me see that there has to be something in the middle between staying married and not being myself or asking my partner to not be himself AND divorce. This is it. We have just instated a weekly “separation,” where we get out of each other’s hair for several hours. And you know what, that might be all we need… not a divorce. I love this so much. We are not perfect. And I don’t want to make my spouse feel like he’s not enough just being himself.
This is exactly what I woke up thinking about today. Annoying behavior that is amplified when coming home from time away with friends. Ugh, it’s still a thing. Realizing that our families teach us how to care for each other in some annoying ways! Causing me to miss his mom in the midst of it all.
Such an important insight. Perfection is a vague concept when applied to humans and relationships. Challenging they all are - dealing with those challenges is as real for us as we, the challenge, are for others. Just because they are difficult, doesn't imply they have to be given up on, exception, you've already mentioned.
I have a close relationship that I've had to manage by reducing contact. I have changed the nature of "the game", to borrow terminology from the other party. Drama-free seems like a dream
This resonated with me in so many levels! I’m learning to accept the annoyances. It’s an everyday practice.
I Love the title of the book 👏