Learning to Live Fully

Recentering our focus on the possibility of the present

According to a study done in 2017 by Chapman University, 20.3% of Americans are afraid of dying. That’s one in five people. At some point, we all have a moment when we realize that we can die. For kids it usually happens between ages 6 and 10, because you start to realize that life is not forever. We may have a grandparent or a pet that dies, and that makes us realize that death is possible. 

As afraid of death as some of us are, we almost avoid it, and we avoid it by not living our lives fully in the present. There is a lot of living that I love to do. I create content prolifically because I don’t want to die with anything inside me. I want everything out in the world. I don’t want to depend on “Oh, I could do that tomorrow.” I want to be like Tupac with years of mixtapes just sitting there waiting for someone to uncover them. For me, that is living.  

I have heard far too many Black men say, “I don’t think I’m going to live to be 30 (or 40, or 50).” This is a sort of depression, this feeling that your life will be shortened. Dr. Thema Bryant talks about that in her book Homecoming. She talks about how this thought creates this sense that you don’t need to do anything with your life because you won’t have enough time. 

I have a colleague who has some health issues and she has said, “I don’t think I’m going to live to be 40.” Feeling as though death may be around the corner at any given moment can  determine how you live in the present. 

So how do we focus on living? We can ask ourselves:

• What can I do now?

• What do I need to get out of me?

• What are some things I want to be more easeful about?

• What are some relationships I want to create with the time I have presently?

• What things do I feel I need to be urgent about?

• What things do I need to plan for?

Planning is a great way to recenter ourselves on living. Having one year, five year, or ten year goals, even tomorrow  or today goals, keep us in the present and out of the future fear of dying. Our goals don't have to be about five star vacations or material things. They can be about being. 

We could set a goal to:

• have two really deeply connected friendships 

• tutor a cousin in a subject they’re struggling with 

• babysit for a friend who is a single parent 

• perform a random act of kindness once a month

• see our friends more often

We can create lists, or vision boards. I love Pinterest and think it presents a great opportunity to think creatively about what we want for our lives. When you go on Pinterest there are lots of Before I Die boards and Bucket Lists, but we can reconfigure those into While I Live boards, or In This Lifetime lists. So many of us adults lose imagination because we’re told we need to be realistic, but who came up with that rule? We need to sit down and get creative about how we can show up as living beings.

We are all going to die one day. We don’t know the hour and we don’t know the day. Avoiding that inevitability and living lesser lives isn’t going to keep it from happening.

A few weeks ago one of my daughters said, “Oh my gosh, I’m going to die one day,” and I said, “Yeah, me too, but today, I’m going to live.”

Journal Prompts

How can you live your life more fully?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• You Could Make This Place Beautiful: A Memoir, by Maggie Smith. You can find this book on Amazon and Bookshop, or at your local bookstore

• How Fixing Notifications Changed My Relationship With My Phone, by Nicole Nguyen, in The Wall Street Journal.

• This Simple Morning Habit Can Help You Sleep Way Better At Night, by Julia Ries, in SELF. 

• I Need Help, by Elise Loehnen, on the Pulling the Thread Substack. 

• Succession. You can watch this show on HBOMax.