Knowing Better vs. Doing Better

The difference between emotional intelligence and emotional maturity

visting my publisher, little brown, in London

Emotional intelligence gets a lot of attention because it’s visible. You can usually tell when someone is emotionally intelligent. They read the room well. They notice tension quickly. They understand emotional dynamics. They can explain why people behave the way they do. But emotional maturity is quieter and much harder.

Recently I was talking about the difference between the two because I think people often assume they’re interchangeable. They aren’t. Emotional intelligence is awareness. Emotional maturity is application. One is recognizing what’s happening emotionally. The other is deciding what to do with that awareness.

A person can absolutely understand emotions while still behaving immaturely in relationships. We see this all the time. Some people can explain everyone else’s trauma perfectly. They know exactly why their friend avoids intimacy. They know why their coworker shuts down. They know why their parent behaves the way they do. But they struggle to apply that same insight inward.

I remember watching Iyanla: Fix My Life with a family member once. They spent the entire episode criticizing the people on television, completely unable to recognize that many of the same dynamics existed in their own life. That’s the thing about emotional insight: it’s easier to observe than embody.

Maturity asks more of us. It asks:

• Can you regulate yourself when you’re activated?

• Can you acknowledge when you were wrong?

• Can you return and repair after reacting poorly?

• Can you recognize your own avoidance patterns while they’re happening?

I can speak clearly about avoidance because I’ve lived it. I used to count friendships out quickly. I know what it looks like to withdraw instead of leaning in. So now I have to notice it in myself. And honestly, sometimes the maturity comes later.

Sometimes I respond to my children in a stressed way and immediately realize, “That wasn’t affirming.” Sometimes I have to circle back after the moment passes. That still counts.

I think people put impossible expectations on emotional growth. As if being emotionally healthy means responding perfectly all the time. Absolutely not. If you communicate well 30 percent% of the time, you’re already doing better than many people were taught to do. Forty to sixty percent? You’re getting into unicorn territory. Above sixty percent? Put on white linen and ascend into the heavens because apparently you’re an angel.

Human beings fluctuate.

• Sometimes we’re regulated and thoughtful.

• Sometimes we’re tired.

• Sometimes we’re triggered.

• Sometimes we know better and still struggle to do better in the moment.

None of that erases growth. What matters is the willingness to return to yourself honestly. Not perform emotional intelligence. Not weaponize therapeutic language. Not become the person who can analyze everyone else while remaining disconnected from themselves. Just honesty. That’s maturity too.

Journal Prompt

• Is there an emotional pattern you recognize easily in other people, but struggle to acknowledge in yourself?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• 8 Signs You’re the Problem in Your Arguments, by Angela Haupt, in TIME.

• A Terrible Strength, by Kemi Doll MD, MSCR. WOMEN, read everything you can get your hands on about hormones, the womb, and women’s health. We don’t know enough, and some of the doctors are finding out alongside us. You can find this book on Amazon and Bookshop.

• Some Mothers Do Not Like Their Daughters on Exactly Where You Need to Be Substack.

• Rearranging the Furniture of a Sentence: Loosening Things From Their Usual Places on Morgan Harper Nichols Substack.