Is it Love Bombing or Just Love?

The importance of not mislabeling our interactions in new relationships

Cooper, the family dog

I was watching Forever on Netflix, which follows two teenagers falling in love. Online, I saw that some people were saying the young man in the relationship, Justin, was love bombing his girlfriend, Keisha. But as I watched it, it felt like a story of imperfect young love. The way Justin showed up made sense—this was his first real girlfriend. He clung to her the way he did because he had finally found someone who truly got him. It also seemed like a matter of age and maturity.

I didn’t grow up in a time when I could block my boyfriend every five seconds—but baby, if I could have! Still, I didn’t see anything wrong or toxic in the way Justin was engaging with Keisha.

In the beginning of a relationship, there should be some intensity. When I was dating, I remember thinking, I don’t know where this energy is coming from—staying up late, giving time I really don’t have—just to connect with this person. In those early days, it’s normal to feel consumed by the experience. From the outside, that kind of connection might look like love bombing, but here’s the thing: in the beginning, a person should:

• Be super kind to you

• Express that they can’t stop thinking about you

• Whisper sweet nothings

If none of that is happening, what’s the point? Do we really want to be in a relationship that starts off lukewarm? Or do we want to be swept off our feet?

As Kash Doll recently said, “Chalant me!” I don’t want someone who’s nonchalant—I want to be adored. That may look like love bombing to some, but there are differences. Sometimes, what appears to be love bombing is just... love. This is where nuance and discernment come in. If someone keeps calling you, yes—it might be love bombing. Or it might just mean they really like you.

Often, the way we perceive someone’s behavior is directly tied to how we feel about them. It can also reflect how we tend to react inside of relationships. Some of us carry attachment challenges, so being loved deeply can feel like too much.

And sometimes, we're simply influenced by other people’s opinions. When my husband and I started dating—after knowing each other for about two years—it moved quickly. I remember a friend saying, “Girl, I don’t know... this seems fast.” And I remember thinking, Don’t you listen to her—you don’t want any kind of dating experience she has. If she thinks it’s too fast, it’s probably perfect.

There’s so much that goes into the labels we assign to new love. Every situation is different. Some people meet and it’s love at first sight. Others have a slow build. There’s no formula. Still, we often try to create one—some kind of universal equation for how relationships are “supposed” to go. But the truth is, there isn’t one.

Part of our work in relationships is also communicating our needs. We can say things like:

• “We’re moving too fast.”

• “I really like you, but I need us to slow down.”

• “I love talking to you, but I need to be in bed by 11 p.m.”

• “I need some alone time.”

• “Can you tell me about your past relationships and how they started?”

How the other person responds to those requests will tell us a lot.

Yes, love bombers do exist. There are people who toss around the L-word to get what they want. Sometimes, it’s just game. But that’s not the case with everyone.

Mislabeling intense connections as love bombing doesn’t leave room for genuine interactions. It dismisses the beauty and vulnerability of falling hard for someone—and that deserves more credit than we sometimes give it.

Journal Prompt

• How do you like a person you’re dating to behave at the beginning of a relationship?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• Stop Competing With Your Friends, on the Myleik Substack.

• The Unexpected Joy of Being Bad at Something, by Lindsey Godwin, Ph.D. in Psychology Today. 

• Our Idea of Happiness Has Gotten Shallow. Here’s How to Deepen It, by Kwame Anthony Appiah in The New York Times Magazine. 

• The Unexpected Symptoms of O.C.D., by Christina Caron in The New York Times. 

• Your IRL Dating Stories on Death, Sex, & Money podcast. I love hearing stories about how people met. In this episode, there are stories about people meeting in an Uber, at an art show, or in a bar. It was so beautiful. You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.