Reading this on Thanksgiving morning definitely hits different. I have been estranged from my father for 25+ years because he is/was a violent and rage filled person my entire childhood. He nearly beat my mother to death more than once and did beat several of my childhood pets to death with his bare hands. Once I had a child of my own I developed enough courage to cut ties completely with my dad, I recognized as a young adult the damage that had been done to me mentally and emotionally and there was no way I was going to expose my child to that. At 53 and after many years of therapy and doing the work on myself, I still struggle with CPTSD in certain situations. And I still wonder about my father a lot of days, particularly days like Thanksgiving. He’s a ward of the state and lives in a veterans home, I know that as his only child I will get that call one day to bury him but I do not have intentions to see him prior to that. That’s my estrangement story thanks for reading. Also, I find it interesting that I have a hard time using the word estrangement myself when people ask about my family. I never say I’m estranged from my father I just say I don’t have a relationship with my father. I feel like people will judge me less if I word it that way, I don’t know why I feel that way, just thought it was interesting to note.
And for me, the “estrangement” (I just say we aren’t close, because it’s not strange to me 😂)- the estrangement wasn’t even about forgiveness. I had forgiven long ago. But I couldn’t keep getting hurt and keep forgiving. That’s exhausting. So I put healthy boundaries in place and the communications lessened or ceased over time.
Love this, thank you for normalising something many of us go through but feel this deep shame to talk about - estrangement isn’t a decision anyone makes lightly; there is so much nuance that goes into it and can take years to unfold. Your insights are gold 💛
Hi Nedra - appreciate your thoughtful posts and how you approach things. I have a family estrangement situation but it wasn’t my choice. I want to continue the relationship but other relationship issues with other family members affected things. This person chose to leave the whole family and I think many things are approached from perspective of why a person chooses to separate from a family. But there are others maybe in the middle or who want to work through issues that the person doesn’t and just leaves me feeling lost and abandoned and hurt. Circumstances I didn’t fully create or even understand how I’m involved to the extent of no contact. Holidays definitely bring out so many painful feelings of loss. I’m grieving the death of a loved one and this grief on top of that is also profoundly terrible.
Yes! "People didn’t start needing glasses once glasses were invented. Eyesight hasn’t gotten worse over time—people have always needed glasses, but they didn’t always have access to that resource." This can apply to so many things, including neurodivergence.
As we approach thanksgiving I appreciate these thought provoking emails! I like to try and look at things in different ways, especially complicated things like family relationships. One thing you didn't mention but I think it plays a big role generationally as well is just the SIZE of families. My parents are both one of SIX siblings I have so many aunts and uncles. It would have been crazy to even attempt to "keep up" with all these people in the way I feel we are kind of expected to now. I have what I would consider a "distant" relationship with my one brother because we barely talk and only see each other at holidays (no negative feelings but no proactive meetups) but i feel like maybe it would be totally normal to my mom or dad? Anyway thank you for the food for thought!
Thanks for educating people about this. I'm a childhood trauma survivor and black, trans-masculine, femme person and an estrangee. But I'm proud to have had the courage to walk away from my family of origin and choose my family. I wouldnt be able to safely exist or have a healthy and healing lifestyle if I hadnt walked away from my family of origin. Even with them far away they had a psychological and physiological hold over me. I'm the first two time Ivy League graduate and many other things. I have two relatively safe bio fam relatives I can do the healing work with, but I have to set boundaries and educate them a lot too. I had hoards of people judging me for my family cut off. And no one knew who I really was or what I'd been through. Because for a while I thought the abuse I'd experienced was normal. But after 6 years of therapy, I found myself in domestic violence after domestic violence situation, terrible friendships, abusive environments and in repetition compulsion. My therapists even normalized the abuse cause I'm black. I walked away and educated myself, and as I healed I realized the people who judged me for having low self-worth were the reason I had it. They'd bullied, battered, and abused me my whole life. I walked away from the people judging me for my cut off too after sharing openly some of the terror I was subjected to and witnessed, and then having them judge what I'd been through. Some people just want to judge folks. Sometimes we struggle to put ourselves in other people's shoes because the concept just makes us uncomfortable. And most people, I realize, are not open about what they saw growing up or even about how they really feel about their families. The more I healed the more people I thought had healthy childhoods actually didn't. The whole world changed and I realized I wasn't broken. I was privileged to have the resources and self-awareness to own myself, my life, and my dharma. I think we pathologize trauma and estrangement within certain contexts, especially amongst black folk and people of color because of how our families were torn apart, but my dissertation research is about what skills we still need to keep our families together and how these systems and histories remain there in our families to this day. Emotional, physical, sexual, and psychological safety matter. If blood can't provide it then...we deserve, all people deserve, to be loved for who they really are and allowed to healthily individuate themselves and express themselves. Anything else is wrong. That being said, I could honestly forgive the people judging me because for a while I judged myself because as the oldest female child, I'd been conditioned to be codependent, enmeshed, and people pleasing. After feeling guilty for going on and living my life, grieving the life, family, and childhood I thought I had, having compassion for my black women caregivers and forgiving them for what they didn't know, I began to accept that my life felt better and safer without them in it. They wouldn't accept me and I knew that there was nothing wrong with me. Then you grieve that and keep going. After 4 years, and my 4th holiday creating my own traditions, I am excited and able to begin creating communities for my community and inspiring them on their healing journeys. Sometimes, we don't have the nervous system capacity to save others when we need to save ourselves, so we might fulfill our own dreams and create our own legacies, especially when the people in need of saving aren't safe for us. Everything I do, I do for my family's lineage, but you caint always make people do, think, or choose as you would. Part of loving people unconditionally is allowing them to exist and self-actualize as they will. And so I love them, but I gotta leave them where they at. And I've learned to never assume what someone else's life was like or to judge them for their boundaries. That's why we ask questions. So often our assumptions are reflections of our own codependency and that's okay too. We all got our quirks and our work to do😊😂
I've had to do some familial adjustment. But I'm certainly not the first in the family. Reading your post, I am reminded that I was 10 when my great-grandmother died. I never met her, and we didn't live that far apart. I don't recall any contemporary mentions of her, just a few from my mother's childhood.
Not one of my cousins met her, either.
When I was in college, I reached out to, and ultimately visited, a maternal aunt. When my mother found out, she unleashed the furies. I am still not sure what her issue was, but I told her I didn't share it.
This perspective is so useful. I had wondered why it was becoming so popular and felt that said something about our society. I do feel like the word “estrangement” is inherently shaming or descriptive of a wounded or diseased state that can be tied to one person leaving “the tribe” like voluntary exile. However I do feel like it can and should be seen as one of many normal orientations individuals may have towards their families. Also, the one who is “estranged” seems, by this word, to get the blame for the rift by stepping away when in fact quite often they are creating necessary space — being the natural effect of a cause that lies elsewhere — because for whatever reason the family dynamics are harmful to them. One or more members are mean or abusive or unstable, or even as I think of it now, sometimes just too different. Mismatched family members may find that their way of life or perspectives on the world are incompatible to the point that spending time together feels impossible without someone having to hide themselves to avoid conflict. So for someone to disconnect it may not really be fair to say they are the cause of estrangement. What else could they do but walk away? A little rant on the word “estrangement.”
Thank you for putting this into perspective. I wrote a book by this very title but didn't think about how much in my own community I heard it described withoutthe title attached to it. Beforethis I was feeling like a Black unicorn. Like no other Black woman in the world is estranged from her family like I chose to be.
Loving the socio-historical lens on this one. Context is such an important thing to keep in mind <3 I really appreciate these writings.
Reading this on Thanksgiving morning definitely hits different. I have been estranged from my father for 25+ years because he is/was a violent and rage filled person my entire childhood. He nearly beat my mother to death more than once and did beat several of my childhood pets to death with his bare hands. Once I had a child of my own I developed enough courage to cut ties completely with my dad, I recognized as a young adult the damage that had been done to me mentally and emotionally and there was no way I was going to expose my child to that. At 53 and after many years of therapy and doing the work on myself, I still struggle with CPTSD in certain situations. And I still wonder about my father a lot of days, particularly days like Thanksgiving. He’s a ward of the state and lives in a veterans home, I know that as his only child I will get that call one day to bury him but I do not have intentions to see him prior to that. That’s my estrangement story thanks for reading. Also, I find it interesting that I have a hard time using the word estrangement myself when people ask about my family. I never say I’m estranged from my father I just say I don’t have a relationship with my father. I feel like people will judge me less if I word it that way, I don’t know why I feel that way, just thought it was interesting to note.
And for me, the “estrangement” (I just say we aren’t close, because it’s not strange to me 😂)- the estrangement wasn’t even about forgiveness. I had forgiven long ago. But I couldn’t keep getting hurt and keep forgiving. That’s exhausting. So I put healthy boundaries in place and the communications lessened or ceased over time.
Well said! Perhaps there's no relationship to maintain.
This was sooo good, so many gems in such a short piece. Perspective - and paradigm- -shifting read.
Love this, thank you for normalising something many of us go through but feel this deep shame to talk about - estrangement isn’t a decision anyone makes lightly; there is so much nuance that goes into it and can take years to unfold. Your insights are gold 💛
Thanks for this and yes it's subjective. We all have our own reasons for being estranged and for many of us it's the last resort.
Thank you for this reminder. Doing genealogy work you see it all the time.
Hi Nedra - appreciate your thoughtful posts and how you approach things. I have a family estrangement situation but it wasn’t my choice. I want to continue the relationship but other relationship issues with other family members affected things. This person chose to leave the whole family and I think many things are approached from perspective of why a person chooses to separate from a family. But there are others maybe in the middle or who want to work through issues that the person doesn’t and just leaves me feeling lost and abandoned and hurt. Circumstances I didn’t fully create or even understand how I’m involved to the extent of no contact. Holidays definitely bring out so many painful feelings of loss. I’m grieving the death of a loved one and this grief on top of that is also profoundly terrible.
Yes! "People didn’t start needing glasses once glasses were invented. Eyesight hasn’t gotten worse over time—people have always needed glasses, but they didn’t always have access to that resource." This can apply to so many things, including neurodivergence.
This part was really insightful for me, Nedra:
"Sometimes, when we lack context, we think the present must be worse than the past."
As we approach thanksgiving I appreciate these thought provoking emails! I like to try and look at things in different ways, especially complicated things like family relationships. One thing you didn't mention but I think it plays a big role generationally as well is just the SIZE of families. My parents are both one of SIX siblings I have so many aunts and uncles. It would have been crazy to even attempt to "keep up" with all these people in the way I feel we are kind of expected to now. I have what I would consider a "distant" relationship with my one brother because we barely talk and only see each other at holidays (no negative feelings but no proactive meetups) but i feel like maybe it would be totally normal to my mom or dad? Anyway thank you for the food for thought!
Thanks for educating people about this. I'm a childhood trauma survivor and black, trans-masculine, femme person and an estrangee. But I'm proud to have had the courage to walk away from my family of origin and choose my family. I wouldnt be able to safely exist or have a healthy and healing lifestyle if I hadnt walked away from my family of origin. Even with them far away they had a psychological and physiological hold over me. I'm the first two time Ivy League graduate and many other things. I have two relatively safe bio fam relatives I can do the healing work with, but I have to set boundaries and educate them a lot too. I had hoards of people judging me for my family cut off. And no one knew who I really was or what I'd been through. Because for a while I thought the abuse I'd experienced was normal. But after 6 years of therapy, I found myself in domestic violence after domestic violence situation, terrible friendships, abusive environments and in repetition compulsion. My therapists even normalized the abuse cause I'm black. I walked away and educated myself, and as I healed I realized the people who judged me for having low self-worth were the reason I had it. They'd bullied, battered, and abused me my whole life. I walked away from the people judging me for my cut off too after sharing openly some of the terror I was subjected to and witnessed, and then having them judge what I'd been through. Some people just want to judge folks. Sometimes we struggle to put ourselves in other people's shoes because the concept just makes us uncomfortable. And most people, I realize, are not open about what they saw growing up or even about how they really feel about their families. The more I healed the more people I thought had healthy childhoods actually didn't. The whole world changed and I realized I wasn't broken. I was privileged to have the resources and self-awareness to own myself, my life, and my dharma. I think we pathologize trauma and estrangement within certain contexts, especially amongst black folk and people of color because of how our families were torn apart, but my dissertation research is about what skills we still need to keep our families together and how these systems and histories remain there in our families to this day. Emotional, physical, sexual, and psychological safety matter. If blood can't provide it then...we deserve, all people deserve, to be loved for who they really are and allowed to healthily individuate themselves and express themselves. Anything else is wrong. That being said, I could honestly forgive the people judging me because for a while I judged myself because as the oldest female child, I'd been conditioned to be codependent, enmeshed, and people pleasing. After feeling guilty for going on and living my life, grieving the life, family, and childhood I thought I had, having compassion for my black women caregivers and forgiving them for what they didn't know, I began to accept that my life felt better and safer without them in it. They wouldn't accept me and I knew that there was nothing wrong with me. Then you grieve that and keep going. After 4 years, and my 4th holiday creating my own traditions, I am excited and able to begin creating communities for my community and inspiring them on their healing journeys. Sometimes, we don't have the nervous system capacity to save others when we need to save ourselves, so we might fulfill our own dreams and create our own legacies, especially when the people in need of saving aren't safe for us. Everything I do, I do for my family's lineage, but you caint always make people do, think, or choose as you would. Part of loving people unconditionally is allowing them to exist and self-actualize as they will. And so I love them, but I gotta leave them where they at. And I've learned to never assume what someone else's life was like or to judge them for their boundaries. That's why we ask questions. So often our assumptions are reflections of our own codependency and that's okay too. We all got our quirks and our work to do😊😂
I've had to do some familial adjustment. But I'm certainly not the first in the family. Reading your post, I am reminded that I was 10 when my great-grandmother died. I never met her, and we didn't live that far apart. I don't recall any contemporary mentions of her, just a few from my mother's childhood.
Not one of my cousins met her, either.
When I was in college, I reached out to, and ultimately visited, a maternal aunt. When my mother found out, she unleashed the furies. I am still not sure what her issue was, but I told her I didn't share it.
So yes. Estrangement is not new
This perspective is so useful. I had wondered why it was becoming so popular and felt that said something about our society. I do feel like the word “estrangement” is inherently shaming or descriptive of a wounded or diseased state that can be tied to one person leaving “the tribe” like voluntary exile. However I do feel like it can and should be seen as one of many normal orientations individuals may have towards their families. Also, the one who is “estranged” seems, by this word, to get the blame for the rift by stepping away when in fact quite often they are creating necessary space — being the natural effect of a cause that lies elsewhere — because for whatever reason the family dynamics are harmful to them. One or more members are mean or abusive or unstable, or even as I think of it now, sometimes just too different. Mismatched family members may find that their way of life or perspectives on the world are incompatible to the point that spending time together feels impossible without someone having to hide themselves to avoid conflict. So for someone to disconnect it may not really be fair to say they are the cause of estrangement. What else could they do but walk away? A little rant on the word “estrangement.”
Thank you for putting this into perspective. I wrote a book by this very title but didn't think about how much in my own community I heard it described withoutthe title attached to it. Beforethis I was feeling like a Black unicorn. Like no other Black woman in the world is estranged from her family like I chose to be.
Estranged: Poetry about strained family relationships…https://a.co/d/jcTnWkZ
Twitter doesnt exist anymore. You still have a reference to it on your social media and the emails i receive from you