I’ve noticed I often have a visceral response to manipulation before I realize what it is, coming out of some very manipulative relationships and religious spaces. I forget to think that we can all manipulate at different levels at some point. I aspire to make people feel as loved and free as possible and hope to meet like minded people. ❤️
"People don’t always manipulate us with the intention to be mean or deceitful. People manipulate us because they want to get their way. They aren’t necessarily trying to hurt us, they just want to affect the way we are interacting with them." I like this part and in affecting how we interact, they find their way into our skin.
Thank you for writing this! Honestly, what I appreciate most about articles like this is I think it showcases not only signs on how we might be manipulated but also how we have the power to manipulate others. I like how you put it, "people who manipulative are not trying to hurt you, they just want to get what they want." And that's when I know I'm being manipulative is when I care more about getting what I want than respecting the other person's needs/desires. I appreciate this wake-up call because I am both susceptible to being manipulated and manipulating. You did a great job writing this in a concise and informative fashion!
This article was much needed and would love more examples on the topic. I’ve come to the realization that I’ve been manipulated by a closer family member for the majority of my life and now I’m finding the power and boundaries within to stand up for myself and no longer tolerate this type of behavior.
This is really helpful. The purpose of manipulation is to not show the manipulation so it’s always so hard to tell. I definitely am taking some lessons from this post
Ah, I can see it clearly, now. Especially that part where when I set a boundary, they tell me all the reasons they cannot accept and respect my boundaries.
We can set the boundary but can't control the outcome. It's their issue if they cannot accept it. I have found that the people who are upset about our boundary settings are the ones who need it and have been used to our "yes" and not our "no".
A great post to think about this morning. These patterns seem obvious to me when written in a post like this, but recognizing them as they're happening is a whole different story. Mostly, I just feel guilty and end up feeling bad about myself. 😅 "A good person wouldn't have a problem doing this for them" and the like. Anyone else?
The button pusher on the word "good". The manipulators always find our tender spots to get what they want. One of the best books I ever read on this topic was by Dr Harriet Braiker called "Whose Pushing Your Buttons". Highly recommended.
>>They overshare their emotions when it comes to how they feel about the way you show up in their life. For instance they’ll say, “When you didn’t call me the other day it really hurt my feelings.”
IMO. this is not manipulation. This is exactly the kind of sentence a therapist trains a client to use!
I actually really identified with Nedra’s point here and didn’t think to label it as manipulation but there are certain people that play up minor situations into huge ordeals and that’s what I thought this was, again especially as a pattern.
Yes I felt similarly when I read this. I’m reflecting and wondering if it’s like you were told someone couldn’t give you that call (their limit and boundary) and then overshare. Versus someone saying they would do something and then didn’t.
For those of us that struggle with vulnerability, this probably isn’t our issue and we (I) need to say how I feel about something a bit more often for connection and informations sake.
I don’t know, I can relate to Nedra’s point. I’ve had divorced parents for my entire life, and my dad has used guilt trips like this my entire life. Every phone call I’m reminded of how long it’s been since I’ve visited or called. It doesn’t feel good to be guilted into what other people wish you would do in a relationship. My dad’s feelings will be hurt every day unless I become a phone person who calls him every day — and that doesn’t work for me. So he gets to have hurt feelings bc I’m not behaving how he wants me to? Nah.
Good point Kaleh, guilt trips are definitely manipulation, even if that wasn't their intention by sharing their feelings. Also a good reminder that our boundaries aren't for others to like, they are for protecting our own needs <3
Strangest thing ever. This has been happening in a relationship of mine and I just said about all this yesterday as I ended the relationship. I have a right to be cared for too, not simply be the one caring. Interesting the depth of connection and timing of this piece.
I’ve noticed I often have a visceral response to manipulation before I realize what it is, coming out of some very manipulative relationships and religious spaces. I forget to think that we can all manipulate at different levels at some point. I aspire to make people feel as loved and free as possible and hope to meet like minded people. ❤️
"People don’t always manipulate us with the intention to be mean or deceitful. People manipulate us because they want to get their way. They aren’t necessarily trying to hurt us, they just want to affect the way we are interacting with them." I like this part and in affecting how we interact, they find their way into our skin.
Thank you for writing this! Honestly, what I appreciate most about articles like this is I think it showcases not only signs on how we might be manipulated but also how we have the power to manipulate others. I like how you put it, "people who manipulative are not trying to hurt you, they just want to get what they want." And that's when I know I'm being manipulative is when I care more about getting what I want than respecting the other person's needs/desires. I appreciate this wake-up call because I am both susceptible to being manipulated and manipulating. You did a great job writing this in a concise and informative fashion!
This is absolutely something I needed to see and read. Thank you!
This article was much needed and would love more examples on the topic. I’ve come to the realization that I’ve been manipulated by a closer family member for the majority of my life and now I’m finding the power and boundaries within to stand up for myself and no longer tolerate this type of behavior.
Great points! I think it's also important to remember it's your job to communicate your boundaries.
This is really helpful. The purpose of manipulation is to not show the manipulation so it’s always so hard to tell. I definitely am taking some lessons from this post
Ah, I can see it clearly, now. Especially that part where when I set a boundary, they tell me all the reasons they cannot accept and respect my boundaries.
We can set the boundary but can't control the outcome. It's their issue if they cannot accept it. I have found that the people who are upset about our boundary settings are the ones who need it and have been used to our "yes" and not our "no".
A great post to think about this morning. These patterns seem obvious to me when written in a post like this, but recognizing them as they're happening is a whole different story. Mostly, I just feel guilty and end up feeling bad about myself. 😅 "A good person wouldn't have a problem doing this for them" and the like. Anyone else?
The button pusher on the word "good". The manipulators always find our tender spots to get what they want. One of the best books I ever read on this topic was by Dr Harriet Braiker called "Whose Pushing Your Buttons". Highly recommended.
Good point and thanks for the rec!
>>They overshare their emotions when it comes to how they feel about the way you show up in their life. For instance they’ll say, “When you didn’t call me the other day it really hurt my feelings.”
IMO. this is not manipulation. This is exactly the kind of sentence a therapist trains a client to use!
I actually really identified with Nedra’s point here and didn’t think to label it as manipulation but there are certain people that play up minor situations into huge ordeals and that’s what I thought this was, again especially as a pattern.
Came here to say this! Shouldnt they know their behavior is unacceptable and hurtful?
Yes I felt similarly when I read this. I’m reflecting and wondering if it’s like you were told someone couldn’t give you that call (their limit and boundary) and then overshare. Versus someone saying they would do something and then didn’t.
For those of us that struggle with vulnerability, this probably isn’t our issue and we (I) need to say how I feel about something a bit more often for connection and informations sake.
I don’t know, I can relate to Nedra’s point. I’ve had divorced parents for my entire life, and my dad has used guilt trips like this my entire life. Every phone call I’m reminded of how long it’s been since I’ve visited or called. It doesn’t feel good to be guilted into what other people wish you would do in a relationship. My dad’s feelings will be hurt every day unless I become a phone person who calls him every day — and that doesn’t work for me. So he gets to have hurt feelings bc I’m not behaving how he wants me to? Nah.
Good point Kaleh, guilt trips are definitely manipulation, even if that wasn't their intention by sharing their feelings. Also a good reminder that our boundaries aren't for others to like, they are for protecting our own needs <3
Strangest thing ever. This has been happening in a relationship of mine and I just said about all this yesterday as I ended the relationship. I have a right to be cared for too, not simply be the one caring. Interesting the depth of connection and timing of this piece.
Hi, Nedra. Do you have a free link to the Post article? It’s behind a paywall.