How to Tell When You’re Being Manipulated

Addressing this problematic pattern in relationships

Announcements:

Saturday, May 20, 2023 I’ll be in Atlanta, GA with Myelik Teele discussing Drama Free. Get tickets here.

You Need To Hear This launched. Listen to the first two episodes here.

There are times in relationships when we do things not because we want to, not because we love the person, because it’s important to us, or meaningful for the relationship. We do it because the other person has made us feel badly, or intentionally made us feel guilty. Sometimes when this happens, we don’t realize that we are stuck inside a pattern of manipulation. 

Manipulation and gaslighting are first cousins. Gaslighting is manipulation that attempts to distort your reality. Gaslighting is a higher level of trickery, and it can sometimes occur when we try to hold people accountable for their manipulation before they are ready to accept responsibility. It is possible for people to manipulate us without descending into gaslighting. 

People don’t always manipulate us with the intention to be mean or deceitful. People manipulate us because they want to get their way. They aren’t necessarily trying to hurt us, they just want to affect the way we are interacting with them. At some point or another, we all manipulate one another.

Manipulation becomes a problem when it becomes a pattern or way of being. From time to time a person may say something like, “I really wish you could come to my party. I’m so sad you can’t make it,” and they may say that because that’s how they truly feel. However, if they say that every, single, time, now that speaks to a pattern of manipulation. When someone never lets you have a boundary, that’s when it disrupts the relationship. We begin to withhold information and parts of ourselves, and place distance between ourselves and that person because it’s no longer a safe space. 

When people in our lives are being manipulative, we have to be careful not to fall into it. This can happen because we don’t recognize it. Some indicators that you are being manipulated include:

• You set a boundary and the person tells you all the reasons why that boundary won’t work for them. They offer excuses, or express limitations that render them unable to honor your boundary. 

• They overshare their emotions when it comes to how they feel about the way you show up in their life. For instance they’ll say, “When you didn’t call me the other day it really hurt my feelings.”

• They want you to make changes and put forth more effort and are not willing to reciprocate. The time and energy on their side of the relationship is not matching yours. 

• When they tell you things, they leave out parts of the story, key information, or their own contribution to a situation in an effort to garner sympathy. 

What we must pay attention to is not that people are using manipulation as a communication strategy or as a way to get their needs met. We have to pay attention to how we respond to being manipulated. We can’t eradicate manipulation, so we must decide how we want to show up after we’ve been manipulated. 

Journal Prompt

How do you respond to manipulation? 

In what ways do you recognize yourself using manipulation in your relationships?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• When Your Friend Has a Newborn, by Charlotte Cowles in The Cut. 

• Jane Fonda in Five Acts. You can watch this documentary on HBO and HBOMax. 

• When Other People’s Anxiety Makes You Nervous, Here are Four Ways to Cope, by Tracy Dennis-Tiwary in The Washington Post. 

• Be an Advocate for Low Chaos, on my new podcast You Need to Hear This. You can listen to this episode on iHeartRadio, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you stream podcasts. 

• Julia Gets Wise With Jane Fonda, on the Wiser Than Me With Julia Louis-Dreyfus podcast. You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.