How Are You Showing Up?
Being mindful of how you treat the people you care about
When I was a juvenile probation officer, I worked with a boy who had been close to getting adopted by a family. They really liked him and were serious about making him a part of their family. The reason this child was now on probation and in my care, was that he set the family up to have their house robbed. This, understandably, resulted in him not being adopted. When I asked him about it, he couldn’t really explain why he did this when they had been so kind to him. It was really sad because he was such a sweet, nice kid.
When we are being loved by people, we don’t always give them our best. One of the reasons for that is our self-sabotage can kick into overdrive. We set out to test the love and connection we are being offered. We do and say all kinds of hurtful things to push the person or people we care about to their limit, and then when they leave, we say “I knew it. I knew they would leave.” Sometimes we don’t even engage in this behavior consciously, and being unaware of our pattern causes us to repeat it.
Some of the other reasons we don’t show up as our best selves with people we care about are:
Sometimes we think because people care about us, they will tolerate anything we throw at them.
We think that the trust we have with the people who care about us entitles us to hand them all of our stuff to hold.
We are unaware of what we’re doing and don’t realize the impact it is having.
It is so interesting to me when people plaster a smile on their face for eight hours, nine hours, however long they’re at their job, and then they go home and are grumpy and mean to everyone who lives with them. Everyone at work would say they’re the nicest person, but the people closest to them don’t get to see that person. It is true that we have different parts of ourselves. It may be necessary for us to behave a certain way when we’re out in the world, at work, or school, or wherever, but that doesn’t mean we should treat the people in our homes poorly.
I was shocked when I was in college and they would tell us that therapists have a high rate of divorce. I would wonder how that could happen when we have all these tools. But what I realized is just knowing the tools doesn’t mean that you utilize them. Some of us have a whole toolbox at home, but we still call someone on TaskRabbit to change our light bulb. This is not to say that we don’t need help from time to time, but there is certainly space for us to use the tools we have available to us, with our people.
Some skills we may be utilizing out in the world that we should also use in our homes are:
Conflict resolution
Accepting feedback
Being mindful of the way we deliver feedback
Determining when saying nothing is the most appropriate course of action
As we operate in our daily lives, it is important that we take the tools that we use out in the world, and apply them when interacting with those closest to us.
Journal Prompt
What differences are there between the way you show up at work and the way you show up at home?
A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week
Worthy, by Jada Pinkett Smith. A lot of people have been asking me about why I’m reading Jada’s book. They reference the drama between her and Will, but Jada’s life is so much bigger than that. She is so much more than the man she’s married to. Jada is an usher and queen of so many movie classics of my childhood. When all we had was Blockbuster and Hollywood Video, and you would just watch the same movies over and over again because TV wasn’t endless like it is now, we would just pop a tape in. Her movies were often the ones I replayed. They were pivotal entertainment for me. You can find her book on Amazon and Bookshop.
Entitled, by Todd Baratz on his Substack, Unfiltered Real Talk.
How to Light the Dark Months, by Katherine May on her Substack The Clearing.
Marriage and Other Fantasies, by Molly Moynahan on her Substack.
BlackBerry. You can watch this movie on Prime Video and AppleTV.
Such a great read this morning! This is something I am becoming mindful of; specifically how I manage my work stress once at home.
Good reminders and tools shared here, as always by Nedra Glover Tawwab.This is leading me to reflect on how I treat myself vs. how I treat others in the workplace, social situations, etc. The internal relationship is one to look at as well. How am I showing up with and for myself?