Honoring Our Differences

Prioritizing showing up for people even when their likes differ from our own

I used to take my mom to gospel plays because that was something she really enjoyed. I realized I didn’t actually like them once we were living in two different cities, and I never felt compelled to go to a play on my own. Going to those plays was my way of honoring my relationship with my mother, as I had no desire, separate from her, to engage in that activity.

I took my daughter to see the musical & Juliet. It was great when we were there, and she really enjoyed it. She even wanted to go back and see it again the very next day. I wouldn’t choose to see that musical on my own, but to honor the reciprocity in my relationship with my daughter, I would take her to see it again.

Sometimes we think we need to have many commonalities with people to maintain relationships. If they love sports, we think we need to love sports. If they love to read, we think we need to love reading too. The truth is, we can share some things in common, but we don’t need to share everything. Maybe we don’t like sports, but we share a birthday, or reading isn’t our thing, but we’re from the same city. We don’t need to make our differences a big deal; instead, we can choose to engage in the things others enjoy, even if they aren’t our particular interests. We don’t need to love classical music to attend that type of concert with someone we care about.

I don’t enjoy sports unless I’m at a sporting event or someone I care about is playing. I had a cousin who played college football, and when he came to the area, we would go to his games. I would sit there completely focused on the game, asking all the questions about what was happening. It wasn’t that I suddenly cared about football—I cared about my cousin. If he was playing, I was watching.

If we can’t figure out how to show up for the people in our relationships just because something isn’t our thing, it can become problematic. I’m not saying everything the other person does has to be our thing, but if we have a friend who is a performance artist, we can show up for their performances, even if that’s not our preferred way of spending time. We don’t need to attend events for any other artists, but for our friend, we should be there.

Sometimes trying something new, or something we think isn’t our thing, is how we discover something we actually do like.

I didn’t know I liked the following things until someone introduced me to them:

• Sound healing

• Tea

• Bob Marley’s music

• Podcasts

We also shouldn’t show up for people in a transactional way. We shouldn’t participate in something with someone just to use it later as leverage to guilt them into doing something with us. We should show up out of love, and hopefully, they will do the same. Sometimes, the only reward will be the other person’s happiness.

If we truly don’t like something, the worst thing we can do is show up and suffer through it, as that could ruin the other person’s experience. If we know we really don’t like jazz, we shouldn’t go listen to jazz with someone and fall asleep on them. We need to be conscious not just of showing up, but how we show up. We can find another way to support them. We may need to pick and choose, but we should choose something.

Not everything in a relationship is about us. We can find ways to enjoy one another without having everything in common. That kind of flexibility is healthy for our relationships.

Journal Prompts

What are some things you’ve learned to enjoy by participating in those things with other people?

Have you been rigid in how you explore the interests of others in your relationships? 

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• Is Being Busy Good For People with A.D.H.D.?, by Christina Caron in The New York Times. 

• Why You Really Shouldn’t Expect ‘Closure’ After a Relationship Ends, by Jenna Ryu in SELF.

• ‘Til Stress Do Us Part, by Elizabeth Earnshaw. We would all do well to read more books about relationships. This one is great for couples with children or those considering having children. You can find it on Bookshop. 

• IF with Ryan Reynolds is a truly captivating movie that celebrates the magic of imagination and the profound power of reconnecting with the wonder and creativity of our childhood. You can watch it on Prime Video, Apple TV, or wherever you stream movies.