Healing Happens When We’re Ready For It

Recognizing that we each grow and change in our own time

in-conversation with Rachel Cargle

I keep hearing people say that they can’t wait to give Drama Free to a family member they think is dysfunctional. They say it as though the person will read the book and have this Aha! moment where they see themselves, and commit to changing from that day forward. This is possible, but sometimes healing is a repellant for folks when they’re not ready for it yet. 

Sometimes in our attempts to help people who are unhealthy or dysfunctional we try to give them the tools that worked for us before they are ready to receive them. We may believe that if we share the same books and podcasts and strategies that had a positive impact on us that it will do the same for them, but just because we are in a place of healing doesn’t mean that they are too. 

We may give someone a resource to help them make changes and they may get a completely different message from it. They may be able to notice dysfunction in others, but not be ready to see it in themselves. We can not force a person to be ready no matter how many tools we give them. We each have to make the decision to change and to heal on our own. 

In my book, I share some of the reasons people decide to make a change:

• They get tired enough

“There’s the saying, “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.” Essentially, people change when they get tired enough of their circumstances. 

• They have finally, once and for all, learned the hard way

As they say, “Experience is the best teacher.” Once a person comes to terms with the fact that they’ll only get more of what they’ve already received, change becomes the only way out, so they opt out of the cycle.

• Not changing is affecting their quality of life

Making a different choice becomes the only option for having the life you want. At some point, staying the same clearly means choosing dysfunction. 

• A significant life event prompts them to change

Sometimes becoming a parent and not wanting to inflict the same pain on their children causes a person to change. Committing to a romantic relationship with someone can also change a person’s view. 

Signs that a person may be ready to change are:

• They are asking you questions about your healing process

• They comment positively on the ways you have changed 

• They are using different language than they were previously

As the people in our lives embark on their healing journeys we have to show them grace. We have to remember how hard it was to stop biting our nails, or drink more water, or eat a healthier breakfast. Growth is a process of trying and failing and trying again. 

Journal Prompt

What is something about yourself that you are trying to change or heal? What has been helpful for you?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• How a Single Breathwork Session Uncovered My Childhood Trauma, by Kaitlin B. Curtice in Oprah Daily. 

• Live Closer to Your Friends, by Adrienne Matei in The Atlantic. 

• Therapist Shows HOW to Set Boundaries & Protect Yourself From Toxic People with Nedra Glover Tawwab on the Women of Impact channel. You can watch it on Youtube. 

• What If You Faced the Monster in the Mirror on the This Is Actually Happening podcast. You can listen to it on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.