Grown-up Friends

How to continue developing relationships throughout our lives.

I hear all the time about how hard it is to make friends as adults. Adult relationships tend to start a lot slower, and we may be uncertain about how the relationship should progress. We may wonder, when do we go from just texting to calling? When do we go from calling to meeting up in person? How do we go from casual acquaintances to actual friends? 

All of these questions can feel daunting and make us hesitant to develop these relationships. We may also have some anxiety around being rejected, but we must also consider the possibility that we may kickstart a beautiful connection. We can’t know which way it’ll go unless we try.

We can meet friends in unlikely places. If we go to pilates a few times and find ourselves having banter with a particular person, we can ask them to meet up outside of pilates. If we’re going back and forth with someone in our DMs, we can take that relationship offline and bring it into the real world. It can be challenging to make the transition from a casual encounter to a deeper friendship, but it’s important that we try because as we develop new relationships, we develop ourselves. 

Here are some things to remember when making friends:

1. Don’t be afraid to make the first move.

I was reading something recently that said, “You may have to make the first move in friendships.” It may not be that people don’t want to be in a relationship with us, it may be that they are just as scared, anxious, or just as shy as we are. It’s ok to be the first person to reach out and suggest that you meet up. 

2. Let go of ego. 

Sometimes people haven’t tried to connect because they just haven’t thought of it. We just haven’t been on their mind. We may be thinking of them before they think of us. It doesn’t mean they aren’t open to connecting. 

3. Embrace a dating experience in friendship.

When we meet a potential romantic love interest, we may think, I need to get this person’s phone number or their contact information. It’s the same thing with friends. When we meet someone we feel a connection with, we can take steps to explore it further. 

4. Be open to meeting friends of different ages. 

I have friends with grandkids and I have friends who just turned 30. It’s wonderful to be in a relationship with people who are in different phases of life. 

5. It’s ok if it’s a missed connection. 

We have to recognize that people are balancing a lot of different relationships in their lives. It’s possible that they may not be interested in developing a new friendship, or they may not have the capacity to do that. 

6. Remove the boxes. 

Sometimes we limit the pool of people we can be friends with by assuming we can only have friends who are similar to us. We can be friends with people who are also: married, have kids, work within a certain profession, etc. Learning about someone else’s world that is completely different from our own can be really good for us. 

I went to a Galentine’s floral arranging class. I didn’t know anybody there. I walked in and saw a bunch of the tables were full, so I walked up to a group of ladies with a spot available and asked them if I could sit there. For most of the night I talked with Jennifer, the woman sitting directly across from me. She told me about what she does for a living and her two adult children, and we talked about flowers. It was a really nice dialogue that I had with a stranger. Maybe we’ll become friends. 

Journal Prompt

• When was the last time you made a friend? How did you connect?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• Why Don’t We Hang Out Anymore, by Jancee Dunn in The New York Times. 

• Life & Beth. This show with Amy Schumer is in its second season and it’s really good. This season really connects her present life challenges to her childhood. You can watch it on Hulu. 

• True Detective. I loved how they wove spirituality into this season. What a thoughtful show. I used to be upset that True Detective doesn’t come out every year, but now I get it. It must take them years to come up with these concepts. You can watch it on Max. 

• Cake is the Way on This Morning Walk podcast. You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts. 

How to Find Friends in Unexpected Places on How To! podcast. You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.