Finding Emotional Balance

Learning when to hold on and when to let go

2022, signing books at Mahogany Bookstore in Washington, D.C. 

I was listening to a podcast where someone mentioned feeling triggered. They shared they were looking forward to watching a certain TV show later that day to escape their feelings and feel better. The person they were speaking with responded, suggesting they shouldn’t try to escape their feelings but instead sit with them. This exchange made me reflect on this: there’s a time for sitting with emotions and a time for stepping away from them. It’s about being mindful of how we redistribute our energy.

As a therapist, I often wonder, What is the healthiest way to determine when to sit with emotions and when to step away? To answer that, we first need to understand our default response. Do we always try to escape how we’re feeling? Or do we consistently sit with our emotions? Neither extreme is ideal. Balance is essential.

Sitting with feelings can help us process, but sitting for too long can leave us stuck. Replaying the same thoughts and rehashing the same story over and over can prevent us from moving forward. If we revisit a situation, it should be with a fresh perspective—one that helps us heal or grow.

When navigating these moments, it can be helpful to ask ourselves:

• Do I need to be sad about this all day?

• Am I stuck in how I’m feeling about this situation?

• Is it healthy for me to stay in these emotions?

• Would it be healthier to start moving on?

These decisions need to be made case by case and moment by moment. Moving on isn’t always the right answer, but neither is sitting with an emotion indefinitely. There is no universal method for dealing with difficult feelings.

For some of us, survival through trauma came from continuing to move forward, from not sitting with the pain. For others, trauma has trapped us, keeping us stuck in unresolved feelings. Healing often requires looking back and processing—but sometimes survival means moving forward.

To find balance, ask yourself:

• What is my natural tendency?

• What do I do in most situations?

• Am I prone to escaping?

• Do I lean toward constant reflection?

• Do I feel stuck?

Take, for example, an abandonment wound. Perhaps we grew up with a parent who wasn’t present. If we stay stuck on the idea of being left behind, it can block us from forming a current relationship with that parent—even if they’ve changed—or from trusting others in our lives. We risk missing out on meaningful connections because we’re fixated on the idea that people will always leave.

Sometimes, when we hold on to a story for too long, it becomes entwined with our identity. Letting go of that struggle might feel like losing a part of ourselves. But our challenges and traumas are only part of our story; they don’t define us completely.

Journal Prompt

What is something you are stuck on that you need to let go? What is something you’ve been trying to escape from that you need to sit with?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• These Are the Most Fulfilling Jobs in America, by Andrew Van Dam, in The Washington Post.

• The Right Way to Brag About Your Kids, by Alexandra Wolfe, in The Wall Street Journal. 

• Cross. You can watch this show on Prime Video.

• Hillary. You can watch this documentary on Hulu.