Everyone Doesn’t Deserve a Second Chance
There are instances where people deserve second chances, and sometimes even a third or fourth chance. However, there are also times when people don’t deserve any chances. They just can’t be trusted.
So, how do we determine whether we are in a situation where a person could really benefit from being given the benefit of the doubt? We can start by asking ourselves these questions:
Does the person have remorse?
Sometimes we repeatedly give people chances even though they have not taken accountability for their behavior. Remorse is traditionally expressed as an apology, but it can also show up as an expression of guilt, an act of goodwill, or some form of retribution for what they’ve done. Overall, there needs to be some indication that the person has learned from their mistake, and their behavior has shifted. If someone’s reaction to wronging you is to blame you or shirk responsibility, there is no remorse there.
Is this person being honest with you?
Are they owning what they did, or are they trying to spin it, or completely deny it? Is lying a habit of theirs? Do they lie about little things? If they have a history of lying about little things, they will definitely lie about bigger, more important matters. We can’t give someone the benefit of the doubt if they have a track record of dishonesty.
Are you being honest with yourself about who this person is?
Look at how this person shows up not just with you, but with other people. Let’s say you learned a friend was gossiping about you, and this is a friend who gossips about everyone. Even if this person denies talking about you behind your back, who they are in the world would indicate that it’s probably true. You have to look at people’s history in their relationships and take that into account.
So often we are extending people the benefit of the doubt, not because we actually believe they will make better choices in the future, but because we want to believe they will. You can’t believe someone will change without proof, and without that proof, you can’t justify giving them a second chance.
Journal Prompts
When was the last time you gave someone a second chance and regretted it? Why did you give them that chance? Why did you regret it?
A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week
The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward, by Daniel H. Pink. You can find the book on Amazon and Bookshop.
Envy, The Happiness Killer, by Arthur C. Brooks in The Atlantic.
What My Mom Taught Me About Sex, by Tara Ellison in The Cut.
Tamron Hall Overcoming Odds to Emmy Award Winning Talk Show Host on The Pivot podcast. You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you stream podcasts.
After several painful years, I finally realized I needed to cut off a long-standing friendship. I have more than two decades of memories of a once-good friendship, now tinged with pain. We don't see each other anymore, but occasionally bump into each other in the grocery store. I still carry grief over what was lost, resentment about the years of angst, and guilt about cutting off the friendship. I would love to hear from Nedra sometime about what happens after you make the painful break, how to forgive yourself for making the break, and how to move forward in love and peace.
Wow. !!! What a great post !!! Thank you for writing this. It is right in line with what I learned the hard way over 20 years in a relationship with someone who never earned forgiveness, and yet I continually forgave them.