Do We Treat Strangers Better Than Our Family?

Holding ourselves and each other to a higher standard

holding Set Boundaries, Find Peace

Last week I recorded the audio for my book, “Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships.” It was a very intense process. I was speaking for six to eight hours and as I was speaking I was also rereading. During that process, while reflecting on what I had written, the theme that kept coming up for me was that we should be holding our families to a higher standard, not a lower one. 

The things that we allow and forgive inside of our families, we would not tolerate in pretty much any other relationship. Not a mentorship. Not a friendship. Not a romantic relationship. There are things that we allow inside of relationships with family that is not allowed in any other area of our lives. 

As I was going through all of the stories in my book, I came across one  about a person who had their identity stolen by a family member. This wasn’t the only thing this family member had done to this person, it was just one item on a laundry list of offenses. However, the overall message this person got when sharing their frustration about what their family member did to them was, “But that’s your brother.” The underlying sentiment was that this person couldn’t hold their brother accountable, simply because of their familial relationship. 

When someone in our family causes us harm, even if that harm is against the law, there is this unspoken belief that we have to let it go. We’re allowed to say we’re disappointed. We’re allowed to be shocked by what’s been done to us, but we’re also expected to gather at the dinner table and break bread with that person at the next family gathering. This can lead us to feel that our only recourse in these situations is to learn to tolerate these behaviors. 

Commons ways we take advantage of family members are:

1. Assuming there is unlimited forgiveness

We assume that no matter what we do, how often we do it, when we do it, or who we do it to, people will “have to” get over it. We assume our biology trumps any wrongdoing on our part. 

2. Being careless and unkind

Sometimes we are nicer to or more thoughtful of our friends than we are of our family members. We use our manners with strangers, and take for granted that our families are also deserving of our kindness. 

3. Expecting a yes

When we ask family members to do something, we expect that no matter what else they have going on, they will drop it and come to our aid. At times, we even express frustration or indignation when our request is met with anything other than a yes. 

4. Overburdening people

I remember visiting my grandmother (my mother’s mother) in Alabama over the holidays when I was a little girl. She would be cooking and cleaning and on her feet the entire time we were there. When I think back on it now, I wonder why no one told my grandma to sit down. Why no one insisted she take a break from catering to us, or jumped in to help. We need to recognize when we are expecting a lot from a single person and redistribute the load. 

Sometimes we are our best selves outside of our house, or outside of our family. There is a clip of Nikki Giovanni in conversation with James Baldwin. In it she talks about how Black men slap on a smile all day with white people they don’t care about or even know, and then come home in a bad mood. She says to Baldwin, “Because I love you, I get the very least of you. I get the minimum.” 

There is this idea that within families we can abuse the power of that relationship. We can abuse the trust that is freely given. We can abuse the forgiveness that is always offered. But shouldn’t we treat our siblings, our cousins, our mother, better than we treat a stranger? 

In situations where the abuse in the family is severe, we still expect people to put up with a lot. We tell them:

• You only get one mama.

• You only get one father. 

• That’s your sister.

• You can’t turn your back on your brother. 

We say this sometimes without really understanding the issues and the circumstances. We don’t allow space for the fact that all mamas are not created equal. Neither are sisters, brothers, cousins, or any family member. Just because we have a great father doesn’t mean someone else does. Just because someone is a family member doesn’t mean we should overlook the harm they cause. 

You can get a free chapter of "Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Relationships,” if you preorder the book now. It is available for 10% off on Amazon, and you can order a signed copy at Mahogany Bookstore, a small Black-owned bookstore based in Washington, D.C.

Journal Prompt

• Have you ever been taken advantage of by a family member, or have you ever felt like you took advantage of someone?

• What is one way you can be kind or helpful to someone in your family?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• The Put Your Wellness First Challenge on The Skimm with featured expert, yours truly, Nedra Tawwab.

• I’m on the cover of the current edition of Psychotherapy Networker! Read my interview here.

• How Anger Affects the Body, by Gina Cherelus in The New York Times. 

• How We Learned to Be Lonely, by Arthur C. Brooks in The Atlantic.

• Trevor Noah Talks Depression, Radical Honesty, and Braiding Hair, on the Death, Sex & Money podcast with Anna Sale. You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts. 

• Why Americans Are Spending Less Time With Friends – And What to do About it on the On Point podcast. You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.