My God! This is right on time and I'm so grateful to be a member of your community because I needed to read these words this morning. thank you for this gentle reminder that I just have to learn to make peace with my decisions and I don't need validation from anyone to move forward. Thank you
Great article - and to add a tag, we actually never really know what people think. And if we look for validation, and someone is agreeing with us, if only to avoid a hard conversation - now two people really aren’t honestly getting what they want or need. And the cycle continues. My question for people when I’m struggling and I need someone to listen is to ask if I can share something and can they give me honest heartfelt feedback by answering questions rather than simply saying “yes, you’re right.”
ie “did I miss something” “have I considered everything?” It seems to create a conversation and I’ve never not had an epiphany when this happens.
I needed to hear that today. Thank you! As a divorced immigrant living in the US, I feel the need to explain myself a lot. People don't understand - and they won't understand. They can't understand because my experience is so far outside of their wheelhouse. But that's OK.
The title caught my eye, especially as I had just posted a note "In regards to the man and bear…"
The text of the note follows, wherein I mention the agreements we make in order to form society. When we are denigrated, it causes us to doubt ourselves, and fundamental choices we have made in order to become who and what we are. In seeking commiseration, comfort from others, or in attempting convert them to our point of view, we are trying to renew our foundation. To shore up the cracks (harm) that has been done to our sense of self and wellbeing. Our very id.
If we do convince the other, then surely we are in the right, and our denigration came are the hands of someone in the wrong. Or so do we seek there to be a fairness or balance in the world. What this fails to account for is the very human sense of self, which automatically places the sole over all else. For so does the compatriot, the challenger, place their sole over all else.
In this instance, compromise is key, or the awareness that one sole does not exist without another, and the path is ever rocky. Each sole, each id, can at the one time be in the right within itself. Just as in the perception of another, it can also be in the wrong. This too is human.
We are contradiction, and the right and wrong we seek to wield are our mirage – at least until we can confirm that someone else holds to our illusion, too.
This is the note, from which my frame of mind, my own argument flows.
Do you see what I'm saying? Are you convinced?
"Acknowledging the worst case scenario and taking steps to deal with it is good advice for any situation. The reality we've created is a truly dreadful experience too much of the time.
If you can imagine it, dream it, dread it, fear it, chances are some other human has considered how to make it a reality. The step between idea and action isn't as difficult as fiction, as law, as custom makes it out to be.
All that holds humans from action is the set of habits we create, make, and accept for ourselves, either as a collective, or individually. But it is the individual's choice that makes it stick. Whether we call them morals, values, rules of indoctrination & control, the right way or the wrong, at the base level they are the same.
If you break it right down, society is just a set of agreements as to the meanings of good and bad, right and wrong, choice and no choice at all. Different societies will have different agreements.
Never trust that anyone has reached the same conclusions you have, will hold your values, or work to your interests. Never trust.
Observe, prepare, and learn to predict likelihoods, or expect certain patterns of behaviour. Never trust that what was true yesterday, a minute ago, will be true now.
I sincerely hope you'll be pleasantly surprised at how everything turns out. That you live a long and fullfilling life without overmuch cause for alarm or concern. The alternative has too much potential.
Even the bear's prey would pick the bear. Humans have the choice to disagree, and may disagree they have the choice.
If you must trust, trust that I have my own motivations, and that at some point they may clash with yours. Trust that I won't be surprised by this event. Trust that I will act according to the agreements I have had cause to make.
Trust that I will chose the bear, the crocodile, the octopus , the snake. All are edible. As am I."
The title caught my eye, especially as I had just posted a note "In regards to the man and bear…"
The text of the note follows, wherein I mention the agreements we make in order to form society. When we are denigrated, it causes us to doubt ourselves, and fundamental choices we have made in order to become who and what we are. In seeking commiseration, comfort from others, or in attempting convert them to our point of view, we are trying to renew our foundation. To shore up the cracks (harm) that has been done to our sense of self and wellbeing. Our very id.
If we do convince the other, then surely we are in the right, and our denigration came are the hands of someone in the wrong. Or so do we seek there to be a fairness or balance in the world. What this fails to account for is the very human sense of self, which automatically places the sole over all else. For so does the compatriot, the challenger, place their sole over all else.
In this instance, compromise is key, or the awareness that one sole does not exist without another, and the path is ever rocky. Each sole, each id, can at the one time be in the right within itself. Just as in the perception of another, it can also be in the wrong. This too is human.
We are contradiction, and the right and wrong we seek to wield are our mirage – at least until we can confirm that someone else holds to our illusion, too.
This is the note, from which my frame of mind, my own argument flows.
Do you see what I'm saying? Are you convinced?
"Acknowledging the worst case scenario and taking steps to deal with it is good advice for any situation. The reality we've created is a truly dreadful experience too much of the time.
If you can imagine it, dream it, dread it, fear it, chances are some other human has considered how to make it a reality. The step between idea and action isn't as difficult as fiction, as law, as custom makes it out to be.
All that holds humans from action is the set of habits we create, make, and accept for ourselves, either as a collective, or individually. But it is the individual's choice that makes it stick. Whether we call them morals, values, rules of indoctrination & control, the right way or the wrong, at the base level they are the same.
If you break it right down, society is just a set of agreements as to the meanings of good and bad, right and wrong, choice and no choice at all. Different societies will have different agreements.
Never trust that anyone has reached the same conclusions you have, will hold your values, or work to your interests. Never trust.
Observe, prepare, and learn to predict likelihoods, or expect certain patterns of behaviour. Never trust that what was true yesterday, a minute ago, will be true now.
I sincerely hope you'll be pleasantly surprised at how everything turns out. That you live a long and fullfilling life without overmuch cause for alarm or concern. The alternative has too much potential.
Even the bear's prey would pick the bear. Humans have the choice to disagree, and may disagree they have the choice.
If you must trust, trust that I have my own motivations, and that at some point they may clash with yours. Trust that I won't be surprised by this event. Trust that I will act according to the agreements I have had cause to make.
Trust that I will chose the bear, the crocodile, the octopus , the snake. All are edible. As am I."
I love that this piece highlights an important aspect of emotional maturity: the ability to validate ourselves without constantly seeking approval from others.
The entire piece was wonderful but this part especially hits home for me:
People can have their experience of you, and you don’t have to agree with it. We have to learn to make our peace with that.
Making peace with other people’s assumptions about our selves is truly a difficult task sometimes but so worth our peace of mind in the end. We must remember that we are not responsible for how others perceive us. We are only truly responsible for how we respond to them.
This is a great point about self-validation. It's important to be able to trust your own judgment and not rely solely on the approval of others. The reminder that we can't control what people think about us is also important.
This is so good! Many years ago I went through an extremely difficult time with a sibling and would vent to whoever would listen. I just couldn't seem to stop myself from wanting others to "see" or "hear" me. It took me a long time to stop second guessing myself and actually trust my decisions.
My family, many times believes false information about me . It hurts that they are not necessarily on my side . However, I have learned to remember that me/God /the universe knows the truth and that is NOW all that matters to me . It gives me a sense of comfort knowing this !
This is so well timed. I had a post-therapy epiphany the other day and I realized I do exactly this - reflexively seek validation from others to confirm it’s okay for me to feel hurt/angry/sad, etc. I am working on choosing my own side, to self-validate, and sit with the urge to do so in the future. It is enough for me to believe me.
My God! This is right on time and I'm so grateful to be a member of your community because I needed to read these words this morning. thank you for this gentle reminder that I just have to learn to make peace with my decisions and I don't need validation from anyone to move forward. Thank you
These are some very difficult truths, especially the urge to want to explain myself. Powerful stuff.
Great article - and to add a tag, we actually never really know what people think. And if we look for validation, and someone is agreeing with us, if only to avoid a hard conversation - now two people really aren’t honestly getting what they want or need. And the cycle continues. My question for people when I’m struggling and I need someone to listen is to ask if I can share something and can they give me honest heartfelt feedback by answering questions rather than simply saying “yes, you’re right.”
ie “did I miss something” “have I considered everything?” It seems to create a conversation and I’ve never not had an epiphany when this happens.
Wow, thank you so much. I needed to hear you. You are a blessing to us, Nedra.
I needed to hear that today. Thank you! As a divorced immigrant living in the US, I feel the need to explain myself a lot. People don't understand - and they won't understand. They can't understand because my experience is so far outside of their wheelhouse. But that's OK.
When we learn to value our opinion more than that of others, we unlock a new level of resilience.
Sometimes it’s not worth it to try to change what people think about you.
The title caught my eye, especially as I had just posted a note "In regards to the man and bear…"
The text of the note follows, wherein I mention the agreements we make in order to form society. When we are denigrated, it causes us to doubt ourselves, and fundamental choices we have made in order to become who and what we are. In seeking commiseration, comfort from others, or in attempting convert them to our point of view, we are trying to renew our foundation. To shore up the cracks (harm) that has been done to our sense of self and wellbeing. Our very id.
If we do convince the other, then surely we are in the right, and our denigration came are the hands of someone in the wrong. Or so do we seek there to be a fairness or balance in the world. What this fails to account for is the very human sense of self, which automatically places the sole over all else. For so does the compatriot, the challenger, place their sole over all else.
In this instance, compromise is key, or the awareness that one sole does not exist without another, and the path is ever rocky. Each sole, each id, can at the one time be in the right within itself. Just as in the perception of another, it can also be in the wrong. This too is human.
We are contradiction, and the right and wrong we seek to wield are our mirage – at least until we can confirm that someone else holds to our illusion, too.
This is the note, from which my frame of mind, my own argument flows.
Do you see what I'm saying? Are you convinced?
"Acknowledging the worst case scenario and taking steps to deal with it is good advice for any situation. The reality we've created is a truly dreadful experience too much of the time.
If you can imagine it, dream it, dread it, fear it, chances are some other human has considered how to make it a reality. The step between idea and action isn't as difficult as fiction, as law, as custom makes it out to be.
All that holds humans from action is the set of habits we create, make, and accept for ourselves, either as a collective, or individually. But it is the individual's choice that makes it stick. Whether we call them morals, values, rules of indoctrination & control, the right way or the wrong, at the base level they are the same.
If you break it right down, society is just a set of agreements as to the meanings of good and bad, right and wrong, choice and no choice at all. Different societies will have different agreements.
Never trust that anyone has reached the same conclusions you have, will hold your values, or work to your interests. Never trust.
Observe, prepare, and learn to predict likelihoods, or expect certain patterns of behaviour. Never trust that what was true yesterday, a minute ago, will be true now.
I sincerely hope you'll be pleasantly surprised at how everything turns out. That you live a long and fullfilling life without overmuch cause for alarm or concern. The alternative has too much potential.
Even the bear's prey would pick the bear. Humans have the choice to disagree, and may disagree they have the choice.
If you must trust, trust that I have my own motivations, and that at some point they may clash with yours. Trust that I won't be surprised by this event. Trust that I will act according to the agreements I have had cause to make.
Trust that I will chose the bear, the crocodile, the octopus , the snake. All are edible. As am I."
The title caught my eye, especially as I had just posted a note "In regards to the man and bear…"
The text of the note follows, wherein I mention the agreements we make in order to form society. When we are denigrated, it causes us to doubt ourselves, and fundamental choices we have made in order to become who and what we are. In seeking commiseration, comfort from others, or in attempting convert them to our point of view, we are trying to renew our foundation. To shore up the cracks (harm) that has been done to our sense of self and wellbeing. Our very id.
If we do convince the other, then surely we are in the right, and our denigration came are the hands of someone in the wrong. Or so do we seek there to be a fairness or balance in the world. What this fails to account for is the very human sense of self, which automatically places the sole over all else. For so does the compatriot, the challenger, place their sole over all else.
In this instance, compromise is key, or the awareness that one sole does not exist without another, and the path is ever rocky. Each sole, each id, can at the one time be in the right within itself. Just as in the perception of another, it can also be in the wrong. This too is human.
We are contradiction, and the right and wrong we seek to wield are our mirage – at least until we can confirm that someone else holds to our illusion, too.
This is the note, from which my frame of mind, my own argument flows.
Do you see what I'm saying? Are you convinced?
"Acknowledging the worst case scenario and taking steps to deal with it is good advice for any situation. The reality we've created is a truly dreadful experience too much of the time.
If you can imagine it, dream it, dread it, fear it, chances are some other human has considered how to make it a reality. The step between idea and action isn't as difficult as fiction, as law, as custom makes it out to be.
All that holds humans from action is the set of habits we create, make, and accept for ourselves, either as a collective, or individually. But it is the individual's choice that makes it stick. Whether we call them morals, values, rules of indoctrination & control, the right way or the wrong, at the base level they are the same.
If you break it right down, society is just a set of agreements as to the meanings of good and bad, right and wrong, choice and no choice at all. Different societies will have different agreements.
Never trust that anyone has reached the same conclusions you have, will hold your values, or work to your interests. Never trust.
Observe, prepare, and learn to predict likelihoods, or expect certain patterns of behaviour. Never trust that what was true yesterday, a minute ago, will be true now.
I sincerely hope you'll be pleasantly surprised at how everything turns out. That you live a long and fullfilling life without overmuch cause for alarm or concern. The alternative has too much potential.
Even the bear's prey would pick the bear. Humans have the choice to disagree, and may disagree they have the choice.
If you must trust, trust that I have my own motivations, and that at some point they may clash with yours. Trust that I won't be surprised by this event. Trust that I will act according to the agreements I have had cause to make.
Trust that I will chose the bear, the crocodile, the octopus , the snake. All are edible. As am I."
I love that this piece highlights an important aspect of emotional maturity: the ability to validate ourselves without constantly seeking approval from others.
The entire piece was wonderful but this part especially hits home for me:
People can have their experience of you, and you don’t have to agree with it. We have to learn to make our peace with that.
Making peace with other people’s assumptions about our selves is truly a difficult task sometimes but so worth our peace of mind in the end. We must remember that we are not responsible for how others perceive us. We are only truly responsible for how we respond to them.
This is a great point about self-validation. It's important to be able to trust your own judgment and not rely solely on the approval of others. The reminder that we can't control what people think about us is also important.
This is so good! Many years ago I went through an extremely difficult time with a sibling and would vent to whoever would listen. I just couldn't seem to stop myself from wanting others to "see" or "hear" me. It took me a long time to stop second guessing myself and actually trust my decisions.
I needed this article!! Been a struggle!
My family, many times believes false information about me . It hurts that they are not necessarily on my side . However, I have learned to remember that me/God /the universe knows the truth and that is NOW all that matters to me . It gives me a sense of comfort knowing this !
This is so well timed. I had a post-therapy epiphany the other day and I realized I do exactly this - reflexively seek validation from others to confirm it’s okay for me to feel hurt/angry/sad, etc. I am working on choosing my own side, to self-validate, and sit with the urge to do so in the future. It is enough for me to believe me.
This is so true #goodread