Great piece and advise. Love the idea of boundaries but so so hard to ignore those work texts/emails/Slack notifications. Wish companies would set those boundaries for us.
That would be loving, but they have given do-not-disturb features and silencing. I changed my settings, so I can't see emails on my phone. I have to open the app. I changed the settings on my computer and I can't see messages. I have to go to the app. That helps some.
I used to be the person that texted multiple times and blew up my friend's phones. Now that I am living abroad and am mostly offline, I understand how overwhelming it can be to receive many texts at a time, especially if you're not constantly on your phone.
I also get frustrated when people violate my boundaries with communication, but your post made me realize that I have not been clear to THEM about what those boundaries are.
This is really good. When I was working I didn't answer the phone after 7pm, that was my downtime. I stated this boundary to family members who thought it was a joke until I let their calls go through to voicemail! I like emails and texts but if it something really important I would rather a phone call or an email.
I prefer texting, calling, handwritten cards/notes, and in person , and video chat for long distanced relatives and friends due to geography.
I have a boundary where I don't talk after 8:30p.m. so i can wind down for bed and be with my own thoughts unless it's an emergency- like you need to go to the hospital or dying /death.
I also am a better writer in expressing myself for more difficult thing's and I also tend to leave my phone on Do not disturb. I've asked ppl not to contact me for 2weeks at a time so i can have space if the person is very clingy.
When ppl text we requesting me to call them and I'm in an important meeting or phone call. I tell them to text me their request or leave a voicemail and I'll get back to thwm if they don't they don't get an answer from me period and if they're serious they'll call me again.
For in person requests i think of my "circle of happiness" where I let my yes mean yes and my no no. This is when ppl say" can you do xyz?" And are waiting for you to say yes right then and there and I have to think can I do this? Do I want to? Am I able to? Does my body allow me too-(health problems)? And did this person only ask me or other's and did they come to me specifically bc they know I'd feel guilty and automatically say "yes"? ,and Does their request lead to my peace or resentment? Then I give them a definite answer or "let me get back to you".
And due to medical treatment I'm enduring I have to tell ppl to be content with waving versus hugging and if they do hug ,hug me around my waist not my neck and shoulders as where that's where I'm being medically treated. Unfortunately, I repeat myself 800xs but in the end you gain more respect and lose the ppl pleasing and teach ppl how to do for themselves and be disappointed and firmness in how you communicate with tact.
I texted or heard a call from my husband throughout the day! I miss that so much!!!!!! I wish I could hear from him. Here. One day I will. 💔😩Good things for me to know. Once again.
Thanks for this post, Nedra. I usually prefer to text people than call them but sometimes if you text, that person either doesn't answer or answers late. Another thing is that not all people are comfortable calling sb immediately (i need to organize what i wanna say before i call an office or sb. I do the same for writing emails as well).
Thank you. I was surprised to realize I enforce my communication boundaries better than I realized.
Until I get to work. We have a new (to us) sales rep on our team who will call someone 2-3 times back-to-back when the person doesn’t pick up the call. Then she’ll proceed to call other people until she gets someone to answer her call. When I respond later via email with a response to her inquiry, she responds with “call me.”
Unfortunately, our CEO thinks this is great communication on this sales person’s part. It’s very frustrating. I’m going to keep enforcing my boundary. I can call her when time permits even if email is perfectly fine for what she inquired about.
It really resonated with me that “we are the keepers of our own boundaries.” And I love the flexibility and agility in ongoing adjustment of these. I see it as nurturing ourselves… that which myself and that which is not myself. Thank you 🤲🏼
Thank you, Jaye! I had it reversed for a looong time. For many reasons, and some I see now. And I still think hope and faith is important, but in my own internal work, I’ve got to take responsibility and shift first. No other way.
Almost a year ago, I stopped phone comms with someone I love very much. It had become increasingly anxiety-ridden for me, and then she said something that threw a 1000w light on a pattern of behaviour that had been going on for years.
I've switched to writing notes. Recipient is not pleased. What's funny is that she was the one who said we had boundary issues.
Lol 😂 that was something I went through with my now ex bestie. And I'm in therapy too! I respected majority of her boundaries accept for when I needed to back away to recharge and then she'd get mad and ask if I was avoiding her and she'd stop for a couple days and then show up unannounced to my home bc she has a pattern of needing incessant attention. Or if I had to provide clarity even though she said she didn't want it when she needed it most then said she needs to have boundaries with me! Yet she needs therapy and not me! Lol
All good points and reminders, especially being sensitive and thoughtful regarding others' preferences and respecting those. There are many different modes and styles and add to that 6-8 different time zones and adjusting to those. Depending on "work" being available may require some parameters unless your are a "first responder" and being available instantly on demand is a prerequisite. OK, my minute is up. Thanks.
WELL. DONE
Great piece and advise. Love the idea of boundaries but so so hard to ignore those work texts/emails/Slack notifications. Wish companies would set those boundaries for us.
That would be loving, but they have given do-not-disturb features and silencing. I changed my settings, so I can't see emails on my phone. I have to open the app. I changed the settings on my computer and I can't see messages. I have to go to the app. That helps some.
I used to be the person that texted multiple times and blew up my friend's phones. Now that I am living abroad and am mostly offline, I understand how overwhelming it can be to receive many texts at a time, especially if you're not constantly on your phone.
I also get frustrated when people violate my boundaries with communication, but your post made me realize that I have not been clear to THEM about what those boundaries are.
This is really good. When I was working I didn't answer the phone after 7pm, that was my downtime. I stated this boundary to family members who thought it was a joke until I let their calls go through to voicemail! I like emails and texts but if it something really important I would rather a phone call or an email.
I prefer texting, calling, handwritten cards/notes, and in person , and video chat for long distanced relatives and friends due to geography.
I have a boundary where I don't talk after 8:30p.m. so i can wind down for bed and be with my own thoughts unless it's an emergency- like you need to go to the hospital or dying /death.
I also am a better writer in expressing myself for more difficult thing's and I also tend to leave my phone on Do not disturb. I've asked ppl not to contact me for 2weeks at a time so i can have space if the person is very clingy.
When ppl text we requesting me to call them and I'm in an important meeting or phone call. I tell them to text me their request or leave a voicemail and I'll get back to thwm if they don't they don't get an answer from me period and if they're serious they'll call me again.
For in person requests i think of my "circle of happiness" where I let my yes mean yes and my no no. This is when ppl say" can you do xyz?" And are waiting for you to say yes right then and there and I have to think can I do this? Do I want to? Am I able to? Does my body allow me too-(health problems)? And did this person only ask me or other's and did they come to me specifically bc they know I'd feel guilty and automatically say "yes"? ,and Does their request lead to my peace or resentment? Then I give them a definite answer or "let me get back to you".
And due to medical treatment I'm enduring I have to tell ppl to be content with waving versus hugging and if they do hug ,hug me around my waist not my neck and shoulders as where that's where I'm being medically treated. Unfortunately, I repeat myself 800xs but in the end you gain more respect and lose the ppl pleasing and teach ppl how to do for themselves and be disappointed and firmness in how you communicate with tact.
I texted or heard a call from my husband throughout the day! I miss that so much!!!!!! I wish I could hear from him. Here. One day I will. 💔😩Good things for me to know. Once again.
Thank you for this post. AND the Tevin Campbell earworm 💖
Let’s play his song tonight and journal about communication boundaries🙃
Oh, yes!
Thanks for this post, Nedra. I usually prefer to text people than call them but sometimes if you text, that person either doesn't answer or answers late. Another thing is that not all people are comfortable calling sb immediately (i need to organize what i wanna say before i call an office or sb. I do the same for writing emails as well).
Perfectly timed topic for me. Thank you for your writing.
Thank you. I was surprised to realize I enforce my communication boundaries better than I realized.
Until I get to work. We have a new (to us) sales rep on our team who will call someone 2-3 times back-to-back when the person doesn’t pick up the call. Then she’ll proceed to call other people until she gets someone to answer her call. When I respond later via email with a response to her inquiry, she responds with “call me.”
Unfortunately, our CEO thinks this is great communication on this sales person’s part. It’s very frustrating. I’m going to keep enforcing my boundary. I can call her when time permits even if email is perfectly fine for what she inquired about.
Great column. Definitely an important topic.
This scenario reflects how unique our boundaries are, I.e., this is a challenge for you but not your boss.
It really resonated with me that “we are the keepers of our own boundaries.” And I love the flexibility and agility in ongoing adjustment of these. I see it as nurturing ourselves… that which myself and that which is not myself. Thank you 🤲🏼
We can hope that others respect our boundaries, but ultimately, it's up to the one setting the boundary
Thank you, Jaye! I had it reversed for a looong time. For many reasons, and some I see now. And I still think hope and faith is important, but in my own internal work, I’ve got to take responsibility and shift first. No other way.
Absolutely
Great topic! I’d add that we should cut ourselves some slack. This is very new and will take time to figure out.
Almost a year ago, I stopped phone comms with someone I love very much. It had become increasingly anxiety-ridden for me, and then she said something that threw a 1000w light on a pattern of behaviour that had been going on for years.
I've switched to writing notes. Recipient is not pleased. What's funny is that she was the one who said we had boundary issues.
I am getting therapy.
Lol 😂 that was something I went through with my now ex bestie. And I'm in therapy too! I respected majority of her boundaries accept for when I needed to back away to recharge and then she'd get mad and ask if I was avoiding her and she'd stop for a couple days and then show up unannounced to my home bc she has a pattern of needing incessant attention. Or if I had to provide clarity even though she said she didn't want it when she needed it most then said she needs to have boundaries with me! Yet she needs therapy and not me! Lol
Way to go - doing the difficult stuff. It’s hard to put boundaries in place with difficult people. 🤍
The very ones for whom we need boundaries!
100%
Exactly
All good points and reminders, especially being sensitive and thoughtful regarding others' preferences and respecting those. There are many different modes and styles and add to that 6-8 different time zones and adjusting to those. Depending on "work" being available may require some parameters unless your are a "first responder" and being available instantly on demand is a prerequisite. OK, my minute is up. Thanks.