Breaking Patterns of Behavior

Noticing themes in the topics we complain about

The other day, I was listening to someone complain about a problem that has become a recurring issue for them. As I listened, it struck me that many of us complain about the same things repeatedly without realizing we’re stuck in these patterns. For instance, we may hold onto narratives like:

• You can’t trust people.

• All men are [fill in the blank].

• All women are [fill in the blank].

• Every boss I work for is mean.

Often, when we talk to others, we believe we’re discussing new issues, but in reality, we’re recycling the same stories. This is one of the things I love about being a therapist: I can point out these patterns to people. I can show them that while this situation may feel different, it’s actually very similar to past experiences.

The challenges we need to work through rarely show up in exactly the same form every time. They may look different on the surface, but the underlying issue remains the same. For example, we may need to work through:

• Interactions with assertive people.

• Managing relationships with authority figures.

• Navigating gender dynamics.

When a problem keeps recurring in our lives, it’s a clear sign that there’s a deeper issue we need to address. Until we understand the message, we’ll continue to face the same challenge.

I had a pattern of dating people who lacked a mother figure in their lives, which often led to me taking on a mothering role—something I absolutely did not want to do. It was incredibly frustrating. It wasn’t just one or two people; I dated multiple people with this same dynamic.

sunset from my kitchen window

It wasn’t until I recognized this pattern that I was able to make different choices and break it. I had to send the universe a different signal because I didn’t want to keep repeating the cycle. I truly believe that if I hadn’t become aware of that pattern, I wouldn’t be here writing this newsletter or writing books. Instead, I’d be somewhere getting someone’s son ready for work. I had to acknowledge that I was choosing these “projects” and then complaining about it. I had to start seeking out people who were more self-sufficient. Ultimately, it wasn’t even about their mother issues; it was about choosing people who weren’t aware of their own problems. We can date people with problems—everyone has them. What matters is that they are aware of their issues and actively working through them.

Most of us aren’t conscious of what we’re doing—not the things we say we want to do, but what we’re actually doing. We can be self-reflective and also ask the people in our lives we trust, like our friends or our therapists, to point out what they’re noticing. We need to be proactive about noticing our words and behaviors because the patterns we don’t recognize are the ones we keep repeating.

Journal Prompt

Do you notice any recurring themes in what you tend to complain about? What might these patterns reveal about areas of your life that need attention?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• How to Set Boundaries (When It Doesn’t Come Naturally), by Jancee Dunn, in The New York Times.

• How to Gently Encourage a Loved One to Go to Therapy, by Julia Sullivan, in SELF. 

• As Marijuana’s Popularity Grows, So Do Its Harms on The Daily podcast. You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.

• Boundaries With Emotionally Immature People, on the ShrinkChicks podcast. You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.