Breaking Patterns From Our Past

Changing how we show up in our relationships begins with acknowledging the need for change.

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There is this belief that parents do the best they can when they are raising their children, but what do we offer people when their parents know better and still choose not to do better? What do we say to people when their parents have recognized their shortcomings, but they continue to make those same mistakes again and again.

There are so many people who continue to have issues with their parents as adults in the same way as when they were as children. Nothing changes but the passage of time. This can have a detrimental impact on our mental health because it feels inescapable.

We have a tendency to tell people in these kinds of situations, “You have to stop letting this affect you,” but that isn’t possible. The issues have been ongoing from childhood into adulthood, so the person hasn't had the time or space to really process it.

So how do we stop these cycles?

• Recognize that you are not a child anymore. You have some control over your life and your interactions with the people in it. 

• Decide how you want the people in your life to show up in their relationships with you. 

• Place boundaries around and limitations on your interactions with people who have a negative impact on your mental health.

• Be clear about what you will and won’t allow.

• Be upfront with people who are continuing unhealthy cycles in your adult relationships.

Adult relationships are a choice and that’s hard for us to recognize.

We get comfortable being a certain version of ourselves around people and don’t realize that we don’t have to be that person anymore. We don’t have to be the middle child, or the quiet one, or the one who entertains everyone to keep the peace. We can change those relationship dynamics. 

When we become adults we slide back into those roles because we forget that there’s a different way of being. We have to remember that we don’t have to pretend to be anyone other than who we are. We can push back on people’s expectations, and break patterns that aren’t working for us anymore.

As we change the way we show up in our relationships, we must acknowledge that the people in our lives may not change with us.

Some of the reasons people don’t change are:

They are unable or unwilling to see themselves. 

If you tell someone that they bullied you when you were a child, that may not be something they’re ready to see. That takes a certain willingness, desire, and introspection to see that part of yourself. 

They’re not ready. 

Change is hard, and sometimes people just aren’t in a place in their lives where they are ready to acknowledge or reckon with their behavior. 

They feel justified in their thinking. 

Some people believe it is natural to pick on younger siblings. Some people think you need to whoop your kids when they misbehave. Some people have a deep belief in what they’ve done and getting them to feel differently would require changing their belief system. 

Whether or not the people in our lives are ready for it, we can still shift our own behavior to support what we desire. And we must be ready to accept that certain people in our lives are going to choose to behave in a certain way, but we do not have to tolerate it. 

Journal Prompt

What are some of the behaviors that took place in your relationships when you were a child that are continuing to persist in adulthood?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• Unhealthy Family Relationships on The Minimalist Podcast. You can listen on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.

• How Childhood Trauma May Affect Adult Relationships, by Hilary I. Lebow, in Psych Central. 

• How to Genuinely Connect with Others & Supercharge Longevity, by Jason Wachob on Mind Body Green. 

• For Many Family Bonds Can Run Deeper Than Shared DNA, by Brianna Scott and Mallika Seshadri on NPR. 

• Your Place or Mine on Netflix. 

• Unhealthy Family Relationships on The Minimalist Podcast. You can listen on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.