Auditioning Complaints

Building up the courage to say what needs saying

I’m rewatching Ted Lasso, and I saw an episode where Rebecca, the owner of the soccer club, said something like, “Just stop auditioning your complaints and talk to the person directly already!”

What an idea.

So many of us “audition our complaints,” and I think it’s our way of building up the courage to say something that feels really difficult to express.

We might feel the need to audition our feelings when:

• The person we need to talk to has reacted poorly in the past when we’ve tried to bring up similar issues.

• The person is very defensive.

• What we’re bringing up has the potential to change the shape or dynamic of the relationship.

Sometimes, we think we’re auditioning when, in reality, we’re just venting. We don’t actually want to talk to the person—we just want to process the problem out loud.

Cory Allen (@heycoryallen on IG) said, “Sometimes reaching out to someone who is not supportive is what we unconsciously do when we’re not ready to act.” 

I had a friend who, to this day, I believe never actually voiced the issues she auditioned. She would bring up the same frustrations over and over again. I’d be sitting there thinking, Huh, this sounds familiar. I was giving her my best advice and feeling frustrated that she wasn’t taking it. But then I realized I needed to adjust my expectations as a listener.

Sometimes, we are auditioning. And sometimes, we just need to hear ourselves talk about a problem we’re not ready to face yet. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Sharing our feelings with others can help us build momentum—and that can be useful. But we also need to recognize when it’s keeping us from having the conversation that actually needs to happen. Talking to other people can shift our perspective or even convince us the issue isn’t worth addressing at all. On the flip side, it can escalate things.

For example, if we share a frustration about our partner with a friend who’s already angry at their partner, their response might be colored by their own experience. We could end up carrying their energy into our situation, which isn’t always helpful.

Which brings me to an important point: who you audition in front of matters.

When we’re talking through our issues, we need to be mindful of who we’re confiding in and where they are in their own lives. Their personal experiences will shape their response to what we’re saying.

For example, if someone comes to me and says they hate their job and want to quit, I’ll probably try to convince them not to. Job security is really important to me, so if they’re looking for someone to hype them up to quit, I’m not the right person for that conversation.

Auditioning can also damage our relationships. If the person we’re talking about finds out we didn’t speak to them first, it can erode trust. They may feel blindsided—especially if they see themselves as open and receptive.

At the end of the day, the most effective way to resolve an issue is to talk directly to the person involved. No one else can fix it for us. That conversation, as difficult as it may be, is almost always the most helpful path forward.

Journal Prompt

Do you audition your complaints? If so, what is your purpose for doing this? 

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• Parents Should Ignore Their Children More Often, by Darby Saxbe in The New York Times. 

• You Probably Have a Favorite Child. A New Study Reveals Who and Why., by Caitlin Gibson in The Washington Post.

• Try This One Way to Build Better Relationships, According to Science, by Richard Sima in The Washington Post. 

• Who Do You Need to Evict From Your Mind, by Julie Radico Psy.D. ABPP in Psychology Today.