love how your daughter role models asking for help. Timely reminder of why asking for help can be so hard when people previously have been so unresponsive. Lovely piece. Thank you
So this one brought up a lot of me, especially ‘We were trained to be independent before we even had a skill set, without any training or supervision.’ Except for me it was being forced into independence due to circumstances, something I may write about myself. But this has given me a different perspective and a deeper understanding of myself. I’d not thought of it like this.
Reading this it seems like you’ve done a lot of inner work! That takes a whole lot of effort, I want to recognise that.
I love you asked your mum to vacuum the stairs! I recently had a party and lots of guests asked what they could do to help. As a girl brought up in the seventies I’m trained to be as little bother to anyone as possible. Anyway, I plucked up courage and asked a few of the pushier ones to not only bring some desserts but to make them. You should have seen the selection - delicious gluten free vegan almond cup cakes from another nutritionist and Japanese egg cakes from a neighbour. Result = less strain on me, expression of talent annoyed by all etc. More fun all round. Gotta get better at this asking thing 😊
Love this! Where I come from, we don't really talk about the importance of asking for help. People do show up when you need help, but it would be so much more better if we talked about it. Maybe if this idea was normalised a bit more, we would ask for help way before we do now, while we are still distant from overwhelm.
Well I’m called out here. lol sigh. My youngest recently asked for help in the form of opinion and while I did eventually go and offer it, I started with the idea that they didn’t really need my support. :face palm:
I’ll be re-working my thoughts and actions on this. Thank you for the reminder!
I feel seen and heard through this post. I have been told that I am " too proud" that's why I don't ask for help. I have allowed this false narrative to play on mind, but I decided to stand in my truth as to why I don't ask for help. And it's articles like these that open up the truth that so many don't know nor understand. However, as of late, I am working on asking for support and unabashedly doing so. Moreover, I appreciate the insight that Nedra gives to go further into our reflections and heal those wounds. Also,communicate these things to others that way they understand why instead of assuming.
I'll add one more consequence of not receiving help: lowered ambition. My parents raised me to be extremely independent but they went a little too far, too fast. My routine requests for help were consistently turned down with instructions to figure things out on my own. So I did, maybe, but more importantly I learned to only attempt things I was absolutely certain I could accomplish without any help. It's a reining in and diminishing of ambition that has pretty significant lifelong consequences.
This has me pondering, there’s a difference between supporting and spoon feeding. I’m a teacher and I find that some students need CONSTANT support or attention to do even the most basic of tasks (write their name, yes some students need support with that, note they are of an age where they can write their name). So I try and encourage independence, explicitly explaining I want them to learn to be independent. But I hadn’t considered this perspective of confidence in being able to do something. Nor when am I just denying them the support they need. Oh no, deep thinking teacher with lots of tiny humans to consider.
I would say, it's not about the task. One example. Whenever I asked an information type of question my mother would tell me to look it up myself and that was the extent of her involvement. So by adulthood I had excellent research skills and almost no relationship with my mother.
Ah okay, so it's more to do with relationship and connection. What do you think would've been a better way of doing it? I really relate, my mum was the same, perhaps wouldn't even say look it up...
Yes, relationship and connection. A child's bid for love and attention. What would have been better . . . hmm, maybe "bring me the dictionary and let's look it up" and then some physical contact/coregulation while we worked it out together. That could cement the idea that asking for help is rewarding and that two people can build something that's bigger than what they could each build on their own. I did not ever learn to work with others in that way.
"Not making requests doesn’t extinguish our needs, it just causes us to feel overwhelmed, lonely, unsupported, and burnt out. Our needs don’t go away, we just learn that no one is going to fulfill them."
This is important and I'm glad you stated it.
Funny, as I'm still raising my children and still in need of help, I will ask my mother to please help vacuum the house.
Officers hold in a lot. Their day to day encounters involve seeing people at their worst, violence, death and rarely hopeful situations. Sitting with the trauma is not the healthiest way to respond.
Reading this brought me back into alignment with myself. Thank you so much for your wonderful writing!
love how your daughter role models asking for help. Timely reminder of why asking for help can be so hard when people previously have been so unresponsive. Lovely piece. Thank you
So this one brought up a lot of me, especially ‘We were trained to be independent before we even had a skill set, without any training or supervision.’ Except for me it was being forced into independence due to circumstances, something I may write about myself. But this has given me a different perspective and a deeper understanding of myself. I’d not thought of it like this.
Reading this it seems like you’ve done a lot of inner work! That takes a whole lot of effort, I want to recognise that.
Once again, thank you for writing.
My typo should say “enjoyed” not “annoyed” 🤣
I love you asked your mum to vacuum the stairs! I recently had a party and lots of guests asked what they could do to help. As a girl brought up in the seventies I’m trained to be as little bother to anyone as possible. Anyway, I plucked up courage and asked a few of the pushier ones to not only bring some desserts but to make them. You should have seen the selection - delicious gluten free vegan almond cup cakes from another nutritionist and Japanese egg cakes from a neighbour. Result = less strain on me, expression of talent annoyed by all etc. More fun all round. Gotta get better at this asking thing 😊
I love this for you. Less strain is a beautiful reward for your effort in making a challenging request.
Love this! Where I come from, we don't really talk about the importance of asking for help. People do show up when you need help, but it would be so much more better if we talked about it. Maybe if this idea was normalised a bit more, we would ask for help way before we do now, while we are still distant from overwhelm.
This was a good read..thanks Nedra 🫶🏼
Well I’m called out here. lol sigh. My youngest recently asked for help in the form of opinion and while I did eventually go and offer it, I started with the idea that they didn’t really need my support. :face palm:
I’ll be re-working my thoughts and actions on this. Thank you for the reminder!
Okay reading this as a teacher I’ve realised I’ve done the same, in a different way 🤦🏻♀️
I feel seen and heard through this post. I have been told that I am " too proud" that's why I don't ask for help. I have allowed this false narrative to play on mind, but I decided to stand in my truth as to why I don't ask for help. And it's articles like these that open up the truth that so many don't know nor understand. However, as of late, I am working on asking for support and unabashedly doing so. Moreover, I appreciate the insight that Nedra gives to go further into our reflections and heal those wounds. Also,communicate these things to others that way they understand why instead of assuming.
I'll add one more consequence of not receiving help: lowered ambition. My parents raised me to be extremely independent but they went a little too far, too fast. My routine requests for help were consistently turned down with instructions to figure things out on my own. So I did, maybe, but more importantly I learned to only attempt things I was absolutely certain I could accomplish without any help. It's a reining in and diminishing of ambition that has pretty significant lifelong consequences.
This has me pondering, there’s a difference between supporting and spoon feeding. I’m a teacher and I find that some students need CONSTANT support or attention to do even the most basic of tasks (write their name, yes some students need support with that, note they are of an age where they can write their name). So I try and encourage independence, explicitly explaining I want them to learn to be independent. But I hadn’t considered this perspective of confidence in being able to do something. Nor when am I just denying them the support they need. Oh no, deep thinking teacher with lots of tiny humans to consider.
I would say, it's not about the task. One example. Whenever I asked an information type of question my mother would tell me to look it up myself and that was the extent of her involvement. So by adulthood I had excellent research skills and almost no relationship with my mother.
Ah okay, so it's more to do with relationship and connection. What do you think would've been a better way of doing it? I really relate, my mum was the same, perhaps wouldn't even say look it up...
Yes, relationship and connection. A child's bid for love and attention. What would have been better . . . hmm, maybe "bring me the dictionary and let's look it up" and then some physical contact/coregulation while we worked it out together. That could cement the idea that asking for help is rewarding and that two people can build something that's bigger than what they could each build on their own. I did not ever learn to work with others in that way.
Side note, no blame here. This is exactly how my mother was raised and we've talked about all of it!
I like that, it's like you're building up two skills in this situation. I think I'll be pondering this now for a while.
Opening yourself to receive help is welcoming bigger parts of you to enter your life. Use all beings as collaborators. ❤️
Thank you for this nugget! I’ve done a lot of self reflection and this post was a major breakthrough that I hadn’t even gotten close to yet.
Me too!
Another phenomenal nugget. Thank you Nedra for your wisdom, relatability and ease in writing / speaking in which I connect to so deeply. 💛
"Not making requests doesn’t extinguish our needs, it just causes us to feel overwhelmed, lonely, unsupported, and burnt out. Our needs don’t go away, we just learn that no one is going to fulfill them."
This is important and I'm glad you stated it.
Funny, as I'm still raising my children and still in need of help, I will ask my mother to please help vacuum the house.
Great read. 💙
Agree
Officers hold in a lot. Their day to day encounters involve seeing people at their worst, violence, death and rarely hopeful situations. Sitting with the trauma is not the healthiest way to respond.