Are You Competing With the People You Love?

Competition, comparison, and the ways they show up in our relationships

book tour (in conversation with Kendra Adachi)a

I am re-reading Communion: The Female Search for Love, by bell hooks. One of the chapters is about mother-daughter relationships, and the competition that sometimes surfaces inside of that dynamic. It made me think about the competition that can also arise between fathers and sons, siblings, friends, and spouses. We can sometimes find ourselves with the desire to do better than this person or outperform that person despite the fact that we love them. 

Competition can stem from comparison, which is not always a bad thing. In relationships we sometimes thrive when we have some examples of what we want to aspire to. You may look at a friend who’s happy and healthy in her dating relationship and compare it to your own relationship where your partner isn’t treating you well. In this case, comparison may help you to shine a light on an area of your life that needs to change. What’s unhelpful is when we compare ourselves to others and diminish our worth based on the differences we find, or when we treat others unkindly based on our comparisons. 

Competition inside of close relationships can look like:

• A parent becoming envious of her child for an accomplishment the parent felt unable to achieve. 

• One spouse trying to earn more or be more successful than their partner. 

• Friends wanting to have a better car, home, or other perceived symbol of status and success than one another. 

There is something about being in a close relationship and seeing someone have something that we want, or seeing them attain something that doesn’t seem possible for us that sparks the urge to compete. 

Competition stems from not being honest with ourselves about what is really at the root of these jealous, competitive feelings. Sometimes we are not even conscious of entering into a competition with our loved ones, but when we notice it happening, it’s important that we take a step back and examine what’s really going on. 

When you are feeling competitive inside your relationships ask yourself: 

• Is the competition driving you and motivating you, or is it making you mean?

• How do you respond and behave when you don’t feel like you’ve “won”? Are you a sore loser?

• How do you respond and behave when you feel like you have “won”? Are you a sore winner?

You can also take a closer look at the underlying causes triggering those feelings by asking yourself:

• Why do I feel like competing?

• What do I want for myself? 

• Do I actually want what this person has?

• What do I need to work on to get the things that I want?

• How can I deal with these uncomfortable feelings in a healthy way?

• Are there things I can do to support this person rather than be in competition with them?

These feelings don’t necessarily have to be a negative thing if we take the time to learn from them, and handle them appropriately. It is when we let these feelings go unchecked and they evolve into ongoing competition with the people we care about that it can ruin our relationships.  

Journal Prompt

What times in your relationships have you felt a competitive spirit from others? When have you noticed your own competitive spirit rearing its head?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• How to Make Your Days Off Feel Like a True Break, by Nikki Campo in SELF.

• Why a Daily Dose of Awe Might Just Be the New Prozac, by Louisa Kamps in Oprah Daily. 

• The Friendship Checkup, by Tara Parker-Pope in The Washington Post. 

• Hoorae with Issa Rae on the How I Built This podcast with Guy Raz. You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts. 

• Stop Saying Yes on The Minimalists Podcast. You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts. 

• Luckiest Girl Alive on Netflix.