Why Doing the Right Thing Can Feel Wrong

The guilt that can come with making difficult decisions

I saw Peaceful Barb share a post that said, “Removing toxic people from your life is not the difficult part; not feeling guilty about it is.” Guilt is something I discuss in Set Boundaries, Find Peace because we often expect that making a hard decision should feel easy. We think that when we make a good decision, we won’t feel anything negative about it. But sometimes, even when we’re making the right decision, it still hurts.

Have you ever left a job you loved for a better opportunity? You might adore your coworkers, but the new opportunity offers greater potential for growth. You might love the culture of your current company, but need to take the next step in your professional journey. Taking that step doesn’t always feel good.

Difficult decisions often feel bad. We feel guilty, sad, and even angry that we have to make the decision in the first place. I can’t count how many times I’ve stayed in a relationship, only to feel mad at the other person for forcing me to end it. I feel like I’ve tried my best—I’ve given them the tools, set boundaries, and set them up for success. But it still doesn’t work, and that can be frustrating.

Often, when we make tough decisions, it’s not because we want to, but because we have to. We reach a point where we can no longer tolerate the situation, and it starts to affect our peace. Choosing to leave a difficult relationship can feel bad, especially when we encounter triggers, such as:

• Other people in healthy relationships

  Whether with family, friends, or partners, when we see others thriving in their relationships, we may question our decision. We might second-guess ourselves and wonder if we should give things another try.

• Holidays

  Certain times of the year, when you would normally connect with this person or gather with mutual friends or family, can be challenging.

• Their absence during traditions

  If you always went apple picking with this person in the fall, the season might feel different without them. It can bring up painful reminders.

We have to anticipate that these feelings will come up, but here’s the important part: we don’t have to act on them. Some feelings and thoughts just need to stay in our minds and hearts. We don’t need to do anything about them; sometimes, we just need to acknowledge them as information.

When we feel happy, we don’t try to get rid of it. Guess what? Guilt is also just a feeling, like happiness. I’m not saying we should embrace guilt, but guilt reminds us that we care. It means we have a conscience and empathy. It shows that we’re emotionally intuitive and that we care about people, and that’s a good thing. But caring isn’t a reason to re-enter a toxic relationship.

I once left a relationship, and my life was glorious. I was thriving, and everything was going well. Then, I had a dream about this person, and I took it as a sign from the universe that I should contact them. I did, and my relationship with them picked up where we left off fairly quickly. This person hadn’t changed. After a two-week honeymoon phase, things returned to how they had been before. It took me years to leave that relationship again.

Sometimes, the best thing we can do when we feel bad is to just let it be. We can feel guilty and still be making the right decision.

Journal Prompt

​​Write about a time you went back on a difficult decision and regretted that choice.

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• Your Friend Has More Money Than You Do. How Can Your Relationship Survive?, by Kristin Wong in The New York Times.

• How to Get Over a Breakup Even When it Feels Impossible, by Jenna Ryu and Nicole Pajer in SELF. 

• I’m slowly getting through Young Sheldon with my daughter. You can watch it on Netflix.