Use Your Words (With Care)

Learning to be thoughtful and intentional with what we say to others

When people are going through major life transitions, whether that is a death, a divorce, the birth of a child, or some other major event, in the face of that loss we often don’t know what to say. The truth is we don’t actually have to say anything, sometimes we can just listen. Other times we can regurgitate what they’ve said to us. For example, “So you’re saying that when you went over there, he didn’t answer the door?” Repeating what was said can be really helpful. 

The Set Boundaries Deck is available for preorder.

What we don’t want to do with our words is deliver false hope, which I think is a common thing to do. We want to say “Everything will be ok,” “In time it will get better,” or “Things could be worse.” While those statements may offer comfort to some people, many of us don’t find them helpful. 

We also need to make sure that our words aren’t offensive or hurtful. After I delivered my first daughter, I had a friend come over. She looked at my stomach and said, “How long will it be that big?” That was the last thing I wanted to hear. For her that may have felt like an innocent question, but it was not considerate of the sensitive space I was in. 

When we are communicating with others, especially when they are experiencing significant challenges and shifts in their lives, we should keep the following in mind:

1. Consider what needs to be said 

Is what you’re saying helpful? Is it kind? Is it harmful? If you can’t answer yes to those first two questions, or if the third answer is yes, whatever you’re thinking of saying may be better left unsaid. 

2. Ask permission

If someone you know just lost a parent, you can ask if they are comfortable with you talking about your parents. You can ask if it is ok for you to bring up sensitive topics. Asking people for permission is really powerful. 

3. Pay attention

Sometimes you can gauge by the other person’s body language and reaction when you’ve said the wrong thing. Acknowledge when that happens and be mindful of making similar comments in the future. 

4. Don’t ignore the obvious

Sometimes when you are uncomfortable dealing with other people’s difficult situations, you talk about everything else under the sun except for what’s going on with them. It is important to address what’s happening and acknowledge that the situation exists. Even after some time has passed you can still check-in. 

What we say to people is powerful. It is important that we be thoughtful and intentional with our words. 

Journal Prompt

1. When have you said something to someone that really hurt their feelings? How did you navigate that space?

2. When someone says something that hurts your feelings, how do you handle it?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• Everything Happens for a Reason, by Kate Bowler. You can find the book on Amazon and Bookshop. 

• Everything Happens with Kate Bowler podcast. You can listen to it on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you stream podcasts.  

• The Best Relationship Advice We’ve Gotten So Far This Year, by Catherine Pearson and Jancee Dunn in The New York Times. 

• The Bear. You can watch both seasons on Hulu. Season 2 is my favorite. 

• How to Set Boundaries with Therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab on the ReThinking podcast. You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.