Sometimes when we make up our minds about a situation, we pursue that line of thinking even when there are other facts on the table. We engage in a lot of mental story writing. About our parents. About our friends. About our partners. About ourselves.
The details we choose to add, even the things we choose to remember, end up being confirmation bias. We only look for things that fit what we want to believe. If we have an issue with our parents, the only thing we’re willing to see are the instances that support that. We don’t want to think about the time they cuddled us, or recognize that they would let us sleep in their bed when we were scared. If our story is, “they were terrible, they were horrible,” we have to seek out the terrible and horrible.
Let’s say a friend isn’t calling us back. We may create a story in our minds that they don’t want to talk to us. We may decide that we’re not friends with that person anymore. We may drag up something from two years ago to support this idea that we’ve come up with. When we invest and commit to these stories, we start treating people differently based upon what we’ve told ourselves. We behave as though the story is the truth when we don’t actually have proof that is the case.
We create stories to support the line of thinking that we are most willing to pursue. Unfortunately that line of thinking is often:
Someone’s mad at me.
They’re out to get me.
They’re being mean because [fill the blank]
Their actions mean this [insert assumption]
I had a friend ghost me about 10 years ago. I have no clue what happened. And I won't know. I can’t know without them telling me. So, I haven't ripped apart our interactions to focus on what led to the ghosting. I don't know and I am not making anything up. Sometimes we just have to accept what is.
Most of our stories circle back to our feelings being hurt. Something didn’t turn out the way we wanted it to and now we need to craft a story to explain why it turned it out that way.
Adding more detail to our circumstances rarely makes us feel better about them, and creating a story won’t change what actually is. When we start telling ourselves stories, we need to remind ourselves of what actually happened.
Ask yourself:
What proof do I have?
What facts do I have?
How do I feel about this?
Am I sad? Angry? Upset? Confused?
What is a way I could resolve this?
Can I ask the other person a question?
Can I state a need to the other person?
Is it possible I did something to contribute to this situation?
There are times when the stories we’re coming up with are true, but often they are not, and we need to leave space for facts and experiences that don’t align with the narrative we’ve been telling ourselves.
Journal Prompts
What stories do you tell yourself about the relationships in your life? What facts are you using to support them?
What stories in your life would you like to change?
Read
The Price We Pay for Being Less Social, by Jeffrey A. Hall in The Wall Street Journal.
Talking to Strangers by Malcolm Gladwell. This is a wonderful book about how we attempt to mind read, and how we are often wrong in our assumptions. You can find it on Amazon or Bookshop.
Watch
Book Discussion: Unwinding Anxiety. I had a conversation with Dr. Jud Brewer about his wonderful book. Relationship anxiety is sometimes behind the stories we tell ourselves, and the details we include in storylines we create. You can watch our talk on Instagram.
Listen
Do We Believe Her? ft. Abby De La Rosa + Submissive Women on the Lovers and Friends podcast with Shan Boodram. This was such a good podcast. The guest is the mother of one of Nick Cannon’s children, and she explains a polyamorous lifestyle. If you ever felt she was a victim, you won’t after this episode. She has a wonderful way of explaining her choices for herself and her family. You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.
Do you find yourself getting caught up in the stories other people have about you? Tell me about it in the comments!
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