The Hard Truth is You Can’t Save Everyone:
How to tell when you’ve crossed over from being a helper to being an enabler
I once had a car that was a money pit. There was always something wrong with it. In the span of weeks I’d have to replace the starter, alternator, gasket, and windshield wiper motor. At some point, the car broke down. I gathered up all of my stuff, got out of the car, and left it there. I started getting rides from friends. When they would ask me what happened to my car, I would just tell them that I left it. It didn’t make any sense for me to continue to spend time and energy getting it repaired. I knew it was time to let it go.
As human beings, at one point do we realize that pouring into a situation doesn’t make sense anymore? We tend to feel like everybody has the ability to be successful, they just need the right opportunity. We say people need mentors, and the right exposure, but there are people who manage to be successful, who manage to break unhealthy cycles, and are doing well in their own right, without any of that. The truth is that some folks, even when given an opportunity, will not capitalize on it.
Helping people will not necessarily lead them to a better life. People have to want it for themselves and we can not create that desire for them. Oftentimes what we’re doing is enabling them and calling it help. Help looks like someone doing better or being better, enabling looks like that person staying the same while you continue to pour resources and energy into them.
Here are some indicators that you’re enabling rather than helping:
Nothing is changing. There is no growth, or progress being made. Everything is the same with the exception of what you’re doing. You’re still having to give the same pep talks you had to give when you started the work.
You’re doing the work for them. If you help someone get a job and you have to call to wake them up and give them a ride to the job, you’ve taken on work that isn’t yours. The point was to help the person get a job, not sign up for two new jobs for yourself.
The person isn’t taking advantage of the opportunity they’ve been given. They don’t demonstrate that they understand the value of what they’ve been offered. They’re not invested in making the most of it.
When we engage in enabling behavior, we’re not helping the other person, and we’re actually doing harm to ourselves. Trying to save other people while we are in the process of trying to be successful, break our own generational cycles, and define what we want our lives to look like can diminish our ability to attain what we’re working toward.
Journal Prompts
Have you ever found yourself helping someone in a way that harmed you?
What is your idea of helping and how is it different from enabling?
Read
Hustle Harder, Hustle Smarter, by Curtis Jackson. I was surprised by how much I liked this book. It is especially great for entrepreneurs. The book is available on Amazon and Bookshop.
Watch
Power Book III: Raising Kanan. Since we’re talking about 50 Cent (Curtis Jackson), this is one of my favorite shows of his. You can watch the show on Starz or Hulu.
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Disclaimer: I receive commissions for purchases made through links for Amazon and Bookshop.