Talking to the Person in the Mirror
Learning to lean inward instead of pointing fingers outward
I was watching the show, Iyanla, Fix My Life. The person I was watching it with comes from a family with a lot of issues, and on the show that day they were featuring a person whose folks had a lot of issues. However, instead of noticing the commonalities between their experiences, the person I was watching the show with commented on how wild this individual’s situation was.
A lot of us have trouble seeing ourselves in others. We are so focused on other people’s stuff that we miss out on lessons and opportunities for reflection and introspection. And sometimes that fixation on other people’s stories can have us forget what stories belong to us, and what is ours to share.
On the show Shameless, there is an episode where one of the characters, Lip, is looking for a AA sponsor. The potential sponsor asks him how he’s doing and he proceeds to provide her with updates on every person in his family, but doesn’t actually tell her how he’s doing. Now, that happened on a television show, but a lot of us do this in real life.
I was in a situation where I felt as though a friend of mine was gossiping about me, so I went to her to talk about it. She felt as though she had been sharing a story about something that happened to both of us, but she wasn’t actually involved in what happened. Again, because of the commonality of the human experience, it is easy to see how something like this could happen. When we take on someone’s story, we are making assumptions about what that person was feeling or what was going on inside of their head.
When we hear a story that isn’t our own, rather than passing judgment on it, or speaking on something we don’t really know enough about, we should ask ourselves:
What part do I have in this story?
What does this have to do with me?
What does this story trigger in me? What does it mean to me?
What can I learn about myself from this story?
What can I learn about myself from my reaction to this story?
We are a narrative people. We connect through our stories. If we hear a news story about something that happened at a zoo, it will trigger a memory in us of a time we went to the zoo. To be human is to look for connection in this way. But we can not insert ourselves inside of stories that aren’t ours. As we are watching the world unfold, instead of looking outward, we should relate back to ourselves.
Journal Prompts
What is a story you heard recently that you were not involved in, but were moved by?
What is something you have learned about yourself by observing someone else’s lived experience?
Watch
Black and Missing. I just started watching this and it really moved me. This show documents the work of the organization with the same name that works to find and bring awareness to missing Black people. I am so grateful that this organization exists. You can watch it on HBOMax.
Listen
How to Create Healthy Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab on the Positively Gam podcast. In this episode I speak with host Adrienne Banfield Norris (also known as Gammy from Red Table Talk), and her husband Rodney about the impact of setting boundaries with the people in our lives. You can listen to it on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.
Has there been a time where you felt compelled to speak on a situation that didn’t involve you? Tell me about it in the comments below.