Sometimes There’s Nothing Left to Be Said
How to handle it when someone’s just not listening
I often find that some of my clients get really creative with the ways they tell people things when it’s something they’ve said before. They’ll try writing it in a letter, sending it in an email, leaving it in a voicemail, or texting. They’ll try all sorts of strategies convinced that if they find the right one the message will land. A lot of us do this. We’ll behave as though maybe since today it’s Tuesday and not Friday, and it’s 78 degrees, not 92 degrees, this time when we tell them what we need to say, they will hear us.
We’ll make excuses for what prevented them from hearing us. We’ll rattle off their whole psycho-social history in our heads to offer up reasons for why they haven’t listened to us. We’ll tell ourselves it was loud when we said what we said, or that the person had a lot going on. We come up with all sorts of reasons for why a person did not or can not hear us, but sometimes they’re just choosing not to listen, and there’s nothing we can do to change that.
When someone isn’t listening, it is important that you:
Accept the situation for what it is.
Stop repeating yourself. Stop telling yourself that you just need to find a different way to deliver your message. Be honest with yourself about the fact that the person isn’t listening.
Change your behavior.
At the end of the day, you can’t change that the person isn’t listening, but you can change how you respond to and manage them not listening.
Recognize that you have choices.
Just because someone isn’t listening doesn’t mean the relationship has to be over (though that is an option), but even without ending the relationship you still have choices. A relationship is not a barrier to choice. The power is within us to change the situation. If someone keeps asking you to do something you don’t want to do and you’ve asked them to stop, you may not be able to control them asking but you have the power to say no.
Some things aren’t other people’s work to do, it’s ours.
If we’re putting everything on other people we will never do our own work. The same issue will surface in other relationships and we will continue to wonder why people aren’t listening.
It is hard to accept when someone isn’t listening. Part of that difficulty stems from the discomfort of having to be the one to do the work. We don’t want the work to be on us, but sometimes that’s the only way to get what we need.
Journal Prompt
What is something you have had to repeat to someone you care about? How does repeating yourself make you feel?
A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week
Gardening Changed How I See Myself as a Disabled Woman, by Amanda Morris, in the Washington Post.
The Five Star Weekend, by Elin Hilderbrand is a captivating novel. You can find it on Amazon and Bookshop.
How to Make a Staycation Feel Like an Actual Break, by Catherine Pearson in The New York Times.
Special Ops: Lioness. You can watch the show on Paramount Plus.
This is fantastic and something I learned the hard way. These days I say it once and don't feel the need to keep explaining. Some people just don't have the capacity or are unwilling to hear.
Already reposted with a great quote, Nedra!