Show and Tell People You Love Them
Intimacy is more than just romance and it’s important for all of our relationships
Before I knew better, if you said something about intimacy, I thought you were talking about sex. Now, as a person who understands relationships, I recognize that intimacy is this deep connection we have with people. Sometimes we’re sexually attracted to them and sometimes it is purely platonic, but it is important that we show up in all of our relationships in an intimate way.
Vulnerability is a big part of intimacy. That thing we learned in elementary school, sharing is caring, is actually crucial. We build intimacy in romantic relationships and platonic relationships by: sharing of ourselves and allowing people to share of themselves, asking questions and being curious about them, checking in on them, and telling them you love them.
I recently saw an article about normalizing affection in friendships, and I am all for it. If you look through my text messages with my friends it looks like an emotional affair. They are full of I love yous, good mornings, and how was your weekends. I want them to know I love them. I’m not trying to play tough.
Watching my parents get older and watching them lose people in their age group has put things into perspective for me. Life can end so suddenly. My mom had a friend who found out something was wrong on a Friday and was gone the following Wednesday. When you see stuff like an unexpected death or an aging family member, it reinforces that life isn’t promised. If you love somebody, you better tell them.
When we find ourselves hesitant to tell someone we love them, we need to dig into the why.
Is “I love you” something that wasn’t said to us growing up?
Do we think saying “I love you” means a certain level of romantic intimacy?
Do we think telling someone we love them and care about them would make us less cool?
Are we wondering if it’s appropriate?
Are we concerned that someone will make fun of us for saying it?
Expressing love is a tricky thing, but it’s so necessary. I think we should practice saying “I love you,” freely.
Journal Prompts
When do you tell people you love them?
What allows you to feel comfortable telling people you love them?
Read
Are Soulmates Real, According to Science?, by Amir Levine, MD in The Washington Post.
The One Thing That Turns Good Friends Into Great Friends, From a Psychologist, by Marisa G. Franco, Ph.D in Mind Body Green.
Watch
American Gigolo. This show is so interesting. The main character says that a huge part of a gigolo’s job is becoming emotionally intimate with the women. He says women want to feel important and valued, so sometimes the whole job is just listening to a story. You can watch it on Showtime.
House of the Dragon. I’m not a sci-fi/fantasy person, and this exceeded my expectations. It is really well written. If you liked Game of Thrones you will like this. You can watch it on HBO.
Listen
Happiness Break: A Note to Self on Forgiveness on The Science of Happiness podcast. In this episode Alex Elle leads a meditation on forgiveness and self-acceptance. You can listen to it on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.
What does intimacy mean to you? Tell me about it in the comments!