Shifting an Unhealthy Relationship Rhythm

Introducing new energy into our relationships

Sometimes in relationships, we get into a pattern. Perhaps it’s a pattern of gossiping with or always talking about our health issues with certain people. We feel like this is our person for all the drama we are going through in that particular part of our lives. This may happen with our co-workers, especially if we have a bad boss. We may not know if these people have kids or what their hobbies are, but we know that neither of us can stand the boss, let's call her Charlene. But maybe we’re tired of always talking about that particular topic all the time, or maybe we’ve noticed the other person is tired of it. 

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So, how do we shift this dynamic?

1. Notice. 

Do a little relationship assessment. What are you talking about in the relationship? What do you know about them and what do they know about you? What do you know about them that’s recent and vice versa? Would either of you be able to answer basic questions about each other or can you only speak to this one specific area of your lives? Do you know anything about each other aside from your pain, trauma, challenge, or discomfort? 

2. Introduce New Topics and New Activities. 

Explore other interests. When you really want to get out of a pattern with somebody, trying something new is really important. If you usually just sit on the phone and gossip, ask them if they want to go shopping with you, check out a movie, or play pickleball. Move the relationship beyond the previous focus. Create some new conversation. 

3. Be Clear About Your Intentions. 

In some cases, the other person may want to stay stuck. I’ve been in relationships where I’ve tried to change the topic and it just keeps circling back to thing I was trying to steer us away from. In those instances you may need to be very clear and tell the person you’re trying to shift away from that line of conversation. 

It is easy to fall into a rut in a relationship, and there is comfort in shared experiences, but sometimes we have to find a way to move past that. When we find that there’s no diversity in the dynamic, and we want to make a change, sometimes we have to be the one to make that happen, or at least get it started.

Journal Prompt

• What is a topic you’re tired of talking about with someone?

• Have you successfully shifted a relationship dynamic? If so, how did you do it?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• 10 Ways to Respond to Someone’s Bad News, by Angela Haupt in Time. 

• The Constant Work to Keep a Family Connected Has a Name by Danielle Friedman in The New York Times. 

• Protecting Our Power with Nedra Glover Tawwab on the Woman Evolve podcast with Sarah Jakes Roberts. You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.