Sharing Isn’t Always Caring

Respecting the line between sharing and oversharing

I used to pick up my groceries through the drive-thru—this was before the pandemic, so I was ahead of the times. Both of my kids were young, and I didn’t want to take them into the store. When they’re babies, it’s easy—they just sit in the cart and go along for the ride. But once they become toddlers, they start grabbing things off the shelves and getting into everything. So for a while, I decided I was done with that.

During my drive-up pickup days, there was a woman I would get almost every time. She became familiar with me and eventually started venting to me—about her coworkers, her personal life, everything. It was a lot. I’d find myself counseling her and offering advice while a line of cars piled up behind me.

There are levels to how we share with others. There’s nuance. There’s gray area.

I remember once standing in line to return my Spectrum cable box—this was about ten years ago, before streaming took over. The line was long, and behind me was a man who began sharing his entire life story with the woman standing behind him. Just before we reached the counter, I heard him say, “Thank you so much for listening. I’ve never shared this much with someone, but the way you nodded and listened made me feel so comfortable.”

To me, that indicated this wasn’t his usual behavior. Something about that woman made him feel safe—maybe she reminded him of someone, or maybe the way she asked questions gave him the green light to continue. Whatever the case, it seemed like the sharing, while a lot, was welcome at that moment. So in this instance, I wouldn’t say he was oversharing—he was sharing deeply, and it seemed to land well.

Oversharing happens when:

• The other person is not ready to receive the information

• They’re not prepared or equipped to hold it

• They give no indication they want to hear what we’re saying

• They show signs of discomfort with the level of intimacy we’re offering

Sometimes, we trap people into listening. This often happens in parent-child relationships—when a parent talks about their personal business and the child has no power to opt out. The power dynamic forces the child to endure it. In my grocery pickup situation, I had to listen to that woman just to get the food I’d ordered. Whether we’re teachers talking to students or supervisors speaking to employees, we need to be aware of power dynamics and how they influence consent in conversations.

So, how can we tell when someone truly wants to hold space for what we’re saying?

• Are they asking thoughtful questions?

• Do they seem genuinely interested?

• Are they making eye contact?

• Are they nodding as we speak?

• Are they offering bits of their own story to encourage us to go deeper?

Or are they just standing there, frozen, like a deer in headlights—because all they wanted was to pump gas, and now they’ve been stuck listening to you for fifteen minutes?

There’s a way to share. There’s a pacing to how we let people into our world. Sure, some situations may call for more openness up front, but that shouldn’t be the norm in every interaction. We need to maintain healthy communication boundaries, personal space boundaries, and privacy boundaries.

Journal Prompt

• Have you ever overshared, or been in a situation where someone overshared with you? How did you feel after that interaction?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• Narcissism Can’t Always be Fixed – But You Can Heal After Being Hurt by It, by Bianca Denny in The Guardian. 

• What Compromise Actually Looks Like in a Relationship, by Mark Travers, Ph.D. in Psychology Today. 

• What I Learned When I Went Back to My Old Therapist, by Kera Bolonik in The New York Times. 

• Magazine Dreams. I just watched this movie, and in it Jonathan Majors’ character goes on a date. The way he shares the story of his family dynamic actually scares his date. It was too much, too fast. It wasn’t the appropriate setting or the appropriate tone—a clear example of oversharing. You can watch it on Prime Video, Apple TV, or wherever you stream movies. 

• Boundaries and Peace With Nedra Glover Tawwab on Let It Be Easy With Susie Moore podcast. You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.