Making Space for Small Talk

How to build up relationships with everyday conversations

Part of being human is being in relationship with other people, and relationships don’t just happen. They’re built over time and they often start with small talk. Some people find it enjoyable. Some don’t. For those of us who find it difficult, we have to find our way through it so that we can create deeper connections.

We have to find a way to have small talk because it is a relationship building strategy. We can’t build a relationship with our local mailman, or the hair stylist we see once a month without first saying hi and exchanging pleasantries. 

How do you engage in small talk without being overwhelmed by it?

1. Think about the bigger picture. Meeting new people can cause anxiety, but the bigger goal here is to develop relationships. Without small talk you probably won’t get to deep talk. In order to discover your people you may have to start with conversations about the weather and weekend plans.

2. Switch it up a little. I am someone who really enjoys having deep conversations with people. I also like small talk, but I don’t like having routine conversations. You may not want to have to have a conversation every Monday morning about what you did over the weekend. 

3. Pay attention to timing. Sometimes you won’t want to have small talk. You may have other things on your plate and not have the space for small talk at that particular moment. 

4. Appreciate starting small. Most people are not going to talk with you about their family trauma the first time they meet you (and if they do that’s probably a red flag). You want the conversation to start small. You want to build up to the kind of vulnerability to talk about deeper topics. 

5. Know your limits. Small talk can be overwhelming. In the George Carlin documentary multiple times when he was being interviewed he said that he likes engaging with people one-on-one, but he doesn't like groups. When it’s more than one person it’s too much. If you’re in a network setting where you feel there is an expectation that you have small talk with 50 people, you may freeze and not talk to anyone. In situations like this you can set boundaries for yourself and say you’re only going to talk to two, or five, or however many people is comfortable for you. 

6. Take steps to move into deeper waters. You don’t have to keep the talk small. In fact, in order to develop a more substantial connection, you can’t. You can start by connecting with someone more often, and then move into inviting them to meet up outside of your usual setting. 

Small talk creates space for us to get into a rhythm with people so that we can develop a level of comfort that allows us to share more of ourselves and get to know one another better.  

Journal Prompts

• Do you enjoy small talk? What are your limits?

• How do you approach small-talk? What are your go-to topics?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• Why Is Exhaustion So Normalized for Black Women?, by Alisha Acquaye, in Allure.

• Big Feelings, by Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy. This book is a concise guide on handling uncomfortable feelings. You can find it on Amazon and Bookshop. 

• Survival of the Thickest. You can watch it on Netflix.

• You Need to Hear This. Curate to Keep Safe

• How to Stop Finding Your Self-Worth Through Your Job on the How to Be a Better Human podcast. You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.