Love Doesn’t Make You a Mind Reader
Learning to communicate our needs and wants with the people in our lives
We have a societal fixation with viewing mind reading as a way to show people how much we love them. I saw a post once where someone said their preferred partner is someone who can figure out what they want without having to be told. There is no person that we don’t have to tell something about what we need, want, and desire.
Imagine if we never told anyone about our preferences. Imagine if when you walked into a restaurant they just gave you what they thought you wanted, or you walked into a store and they just handed you the clothes they thought you wanted to wear. Most of us would not like that. Each of us have expectations and preferences and it’s really important that we share them.
When we don’t tell people what we want, we set them up for failure. In addition, we also set ourselves up for disappointment. We end up feeling like we haven’t been heard and haven’t been seen, but for people to see us, sometimes, we have to tell them what to see.
People can love you and not know what you want. Sometimes people just don’t realize something is important to you without you explicitly saying so. They’re not trying to be inconsiderate, they just don’t know.
When I was on Red Table Talk , Jada Pinkett Smith mentioned that she gets upset when she feels as though people make her explicitly set expectations. She doesn’t understand why they can’t just read the room and figure it out. It can be frustrating having to tell your partner to buy you flowers, or telling your friends that you want them to call you on your birthday, but it is also really frustrating when these things don’t happen because people didn’t know that’s what you wanted.
Rather than expect your loved ones to be mind readers, try the following:
Share your preferences. Let the people in your life know what your expectations are for your interactions with one another.
Think about your past experiences. Sometimes you may not be sure what your expectations are, which makes it challenging to share with anyone else. When you find yourself in this situation, think about previous situations. Recall what you enjoyed and what made you feel honored and appreciated.
Recognize that you may have to repeat yourself. This may feel frustrating, but sometimes it can’t be avoided. It would be great if people didn’t need reminding, but sometimes they will.
Remember that love is not mind reading. Love is clarity. Love is connection. Love is not being able to get into someone’s head and predict what they want without you telling them. That is a psychic power and most of us don’t have that ability.
We can not expect each other to be mind readers. Take the time to teach the people you love what you want.
Journal Prompts
When do you communicate your preferences with the people you love?
What do you expect the people who love you to know?
Read
Life Lessons: Therapist and Author Nedra Glover Tawwab, by Lauren Levine Corriher, in Charlotte Magazine.
Watch
Twenties. This show was created by Lena Waithe and I love it. It’s really good. You can watch it on BET.
Have you ever experienced disappointment because you expected someone to know something about you and they didn’t? Tell me about it in the comments below!