Let’s Stop Gratitude-Shaming Each Other
It is possible to be grateful for what you have while also desiring more
“Just be grateful” has been weaponized. The meaning behind that directive is essentially, “You have enough; how dare you want more?” Many of us grew up with the idea that gratitude is a stopping point, but gratitude is appreciation, not a destination. We can be grateful for our Nokia phone and still want an iPhone. We can be grateful for our jobs and still want a new position. We can still strive. We can still desire. We can still want more. We need to stop gratitude-shaming people.
Many of us carry guilt for wanting more. And when we get more, we feel guilty for not being as happy as we “should” be for having what we wanted. We feel badly for not being grateful enough. When we express that our child is getting on our nerves, someone may say, “Be grateful you have kids, not everyone can have kids,” and while that may be true, it doesn’t mean we forgo the right to be annoyed by them sometimes. We can be blessed and irritated.
We use words and terms to box in what we can feel and how much of it we can feel, but we have the capacity to feel many things at once.
The solution to every problem is not gratitude. The solution may not be to be more grateful, it may be getting what we want. The solution may not be staying put and being complacent, it may call for doing something different. I certainly believe in tending to the things we have—mending them, repairing them—but sometimes things still need to get replaced.
This tendency to emphasize gratitude and trivialize desire comes from a place of wanting to minimize disappointment. If you teach people not to want anything, you teach them not to be disappointed. Black folks in particular come from a historical context of disappointment. Our parents learned that if they could teach us not to want, then they would cure us of ever being disappointed. It’s sad, but it’s true.
When I think about my ancestors, I can’t imagine what it must have been like to not be able to promise my child anything. To not be able to promise to keep them safe. To not even be able to promise that we would be together no matter what else might happen. Black people learned that if they stopped making promises, if they stopped their children from hoping, despite how much was out of their control, they could at least control their child’s level of disappointment.
That is part of the history of how we got here, but we need to get out of it. We have more hope available to us than the generations before us. We can appreciate what we have and we are also free to want something else.
Journal Prompts
How were you raised to feel about gratitude and desire? Were you gratitude-shamed when you were growing up?
Do you feel guilty for wanting something more or different than what you have?
Read
The Ride of a Lifetime: Lessons Learned from 15 Years as CEO of the Walt Disney Company, by Robert Iger. I love a good memoir or autobiography. I like to hear people telling their story from their perspectives. This is a really great book about the man who brought Marvel to Disney, and was behind the creation of Disney’s streaming service. You can find it on Amazon and Bookshop.
Watch
P-Valley. As a mental health professional it has been interesting to see what they do with storylines concerning domestic violence and death by suicide. They’re tackling some really serious topics. They’re opening up the characters and going deeper into their stories. You can watch the show on Hulu or Starz.
Listen
How to Set Boundaries in Your Daily Life on the Life Kit podcast. I love this show because it shares short and sweet lessons, and I got to be a guest. You can listen to me talking about my favorite subject on my favorite show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.
Has there been a time in your life where you were both grateful for what you had while still wanting something more or different? Tell me about it in the comments.
Disclaimer: I receive commissions for purchases made through links for Amazon and Bookshop.