Learning to Speak Each Other’s Language
Teaching people how to speak to us
When I was growing up, I was often called “skinny.” That word bothered me. The way people said it didn’t sound like a compliment. It was spoken in such a derogatory tone. So I started telling people “I’m slim,” or “small,” because I didn’t like the emphasis people put on the word “skinny.”
We are allowed to tell people the truth of who we are and how we would like to be described. If someone says you’re loud, maybe you could tell them you prefer to say you’re animated and there is some elevation in your voice when you get excited. If someone says you’re confrontational, maybe you could tell them that you’re passionate about things you really care about. If we think about the way we use language in relation to women, there has been a shift from bossy to assertive. Just because a woman knows what she wants doesn’t make her pushy or sassy.
It’s really important that when people are using words that we don’t agree with to describe who we are, or those words create conflict in us, that we speak up and let them know. It is a really powerful experience to own who we are and teach people how to speak about us.
Often the language that is being used is not meant to be insulting, but we have to recognize what is a compliment to one person may not be to another. We may say, “Girl, you’re so crazy,” and not mean anything by it, but if we are speaking to someone with a history of mental illness that word may be hurtful. We don’t know what people’s triggers are.
I watch the show Billions. One of the characters, Taylor's pronoun is “they.” Their father continuously calls them “she,” and refers to them as a girl, and Taylor is constantly having to call him out, and correct him. We need to respect the language that people use to identify themselves.
We must also recognize that we won’t always get it right. Perfectionism is impossible when you are in a relationship with other people. So when we don’t get it right, we need to accept the feedback of correction. We need to be open and receptive to it.
Journal Prompts
What language do you use to describe yourself? How is that similar or different from the way others describe you?
How have you had to shift your language around the way you speak about someone? What steps have you taken to use their preferred language?
Read
How Many Friends Do You Really Need?, by Catherine Pearson, in The New York Times.
79% of Americans Believe More Money Will Make Them Happier. Here’s Why They’re Wrong, by Joshua Becker, in Forbes Magazine.
What is a term someone has used to describe you that doesn’t resonate with you? How do you handle it when you are referred to in that way? Tell me about it in the comments!