Learning to Manage Our Expectations

The importance of recognizing our own strengths and the strengths of those around us

it’s almost 2023 and i have another book on the way…i’m knee deep in gratitude

There are some things that are just not in my wheelhouse.

So many of us spend a lot of time trying to change ourselves and others. When I meet with couples, one of the biggest ideas we tackle is whether people can change. Often, when we want people to change, we are trying to make them step outside of themselves, and have them go from one extreme to another. We’re expecting them to be really good at things that may be challenging for them. 

We’re trying to make a messy person tidy. We’re trying to get a person who really loves to be social to be at home more. We’re trying to get someone who doesn’t care about dishes filling the sink to do dishes all the time without being prompted. These are unrealistic expectations. 

I once read something that said that we should marry the type of person we want to work with, not marry someone that we feel we need to train to be different from who they are. Rather than trying to force someone into being good at something they have no interest in, we can instead focus our attention on what they are already good at. 

We should apply this to ourselves as well. Just because we are naturally good at something doesn’t make it any less a gift, and we don’t need to be gifted in ever​​ything. We also don’t have to be in a constant state of improvement. That just causes undue stress as we try to fit ourselves into boxes we don’t belong in.  

To determine whether or not an aspect of ourselves needs changing, we can ask:

1. Is it this aspect of myself getting in the way of my relationships?

2. Is this aspect of myself getting in the way of me living my life the way I would like to live it?

3. Do the benefits of making this change outweigh the stress caused by making the change?

We need to take the time to really get to know ourselves and appreciate our unique talents.

Journal Prompt

What are five things that you naturally do well?

Is your expectation of other people based on who they are or who you are?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• Unexpected Ways That Only You Can Save Your Marriage, as told to Leigh Newman in Oprah Daily. 

• Take Yourself on a Date, by Faith Hill in The Atlantic

• The Mayor of Kingstown. You can watch this show on Paramount Plus.

• Nedra Glover Tawwab Wants You to Set Better Boundaries on the Girlboss Radio podcast. You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts. 

• How to Actually Enjoy the Holidays in The New York Times 

• The Right Way to Handle Juicy Family Gossip Over the Holidays, According to Psychologists, by Keydra Manns, in Real Simple.