Is Honesty Always the Best Policy?
Managing the delivery of our truth to close the gap between intent and impact
As a child, I was mostly honest. I won’t say I was 100% honest. Of course, I lied, every kid does, but for the most part, I told the truth. Before I would disclose something to my mother, I would ask her a bunch of questions: If I say this, am I going to get in trouble? What about if I cuss? Will I get in trouble then? I would do my best to cover all my bases to make sure she was cool with my honesty, and she was. There was no consequence, and she would just let me share.
Because I had gotten used to sharing little things with my mother, I felt comfortable disclosing bigger things to her by the time I was in middle school and actually starting to do things. By that point, my mother and I had built this trust that allowed me to be honest.
Communicating with my mother was one of the first ways I experienced shaping my truth to match the person I was speaking to. I had to learn to be clear about my audience.
As adults, we test out information with one another to gauge each others’ reactions to determine whether it is safe to share our truths. We do this because everybody’s response to honesty is very different. Some people appreciate it. Some people punish you for it. Some people just aren’t ready to hear it. We know which people in our life are which based on what we can tell them and what we can’t.
When we tell someone something, based on the way they’ve received information in the past, we can gather a general sense of what their response will be in the future. This allows us to decide how we want to approach the truth with them. Even the people who insist that we can tell them anything may have areas where we need to tread a little lighter with our truth.
When you are navigating how to be honest with the people in your life:
Meet people where they are. Don’t try to shove more honesty down their throat than they are ready for.
Use customized messaging. Different people interpret things in completely different ways. Make sure you are using language that the person will understand and be receptive to.
It’s not that we shouldn’t be honest, but sometimes in order for the impact of our words to match our intention when we are delivering them, we have to be strategic with how we express that truth. We have to consider the person we’re talking to, and be sure that they are actually able to hear what we’re trying to say. There’s a lot of nuance in how we speak to each other.
Journal Prompts
Who do you have in your life that you can actually tell the truth, and are they able to receive it?
Have there been times when you’ve had to shape the delivery of your truth? How did you handle that?
Read
Mental Health Providers Are Busier Than Ever. Here’s How to Find One, by Christina Caron, in The New York Times.
Watch
Facing His Fears: Man Confronts Agoraphobia That’s Restricted His Life for Years, on CBS Mornings. You can watch this feature on YouTube.
Listen
How to Start Writing on the How To! podcast. This episode features writers Anna Quindlen and Josh Dickerson. You can listen to it on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.
Do you think honesty is the best policy? I’d love to hear a story about a time you were honest with someone in your life and how they received it in the comments below!