If You Feel Something, Say Something
The benefits of having hard conversations
There are so many times when a relationship ends and one person will say, “I had no idea you felt this way,” because for years we have been holding on to what we’re thinking and feeling. We don’t share because we don’t want to hurt the person’s feelings, but then we end the relationship abruptly, which does just that.
Hard conversations don’t become easier with avoidance, they actually become that much more difficult because we spend so much time building them up in our minds. We create a whole narrative without ever having talked with the other person.
I wonder what it would be like if, as we were weighing possible outcomes, we threw in some positive potential outcomes. What would happen if we instead focused on how it might affect our relationships for the better and how good it could feel to get some things off our chest?
We need to learn to be honest with one another even if it feels really hard. So how do you have those conversations without losing the relationship?
Have a conversation sooner rather than later. The moment you feel bothered, or notice that you’re irritated, say something. Of course you shouldn’t go into the conversation heated, give yourself a moment to cool down, but don’t wait too long. Sometimes a relationship comes to an end because we’ve been sitting on hard conversations for such a long time that by the time we have them, there have been multiple instances of the same scenario, and we’re fed up. So we’re mad that the person won’t stop doing this thing that we haven’t yet brought to their attention.
Manage your expectations. Go into the conversation optimistic, but understand that there is also the possibility that the person may not be interested in changing their behavior.
Consider what you’ll say beforehand. Use statements that are really about you, and clearly state what you would like the resolution to be. What do you want to be different after the conversation? What is the way forward? Talk in a solution-focused manner.
Don’t get hung up on their why. People don’t always know or are not always able to share with you why they’ve behaved in a certain manner, especially if this is the first time you’re presenting something to them. It’s not always intentional.
Keep it short. Stick to just a few sentences. Don’t drag out the conversation. Focus on one thing and stay on topic. Even if the other person brings up other things, you can redirect them to the matter at hand.
Make space for your discomfort. I can’t promise that having hard conversations will feel good while you’re having them. It may be a little painful, but it’s possible that afterwards things will be better. While it may be hard to say what needs to be said, there may be some ease in your relationship with the person that wasn’t there before. Maybe the problem will actually be addressed in the relationship.
Having conversations that are hard is an important way to preserve relationships, because not having them creates distance between us and the people in our lives.
Journal Prompts
What makes some conversations more challenging for you than others?
How do you prepare for hard conversations?
Read
Will Some of Us Social Distance Forever? by Katie Heaney in The Cut.
6 Ways to Set Stronger Boundaries With Your Time, From a Psychologist, by Perpetua Neo in Mind Body Green.
Watch
George Carlin’s American Dream. This two-part documentary is an amazing depiction of how we become different parts of ourselves at different points in life. You can watch it on HBO and HBOMax.
Has having a hard conversation with someone preserved your relationship? Share your success stories in the comments below.