Emotional Caregiving Fatigue

Making care sustainable

Some of us are great listeners. We are compassionate and genuinely care about what’s going on with others. However, when we do this too much, we can become exhausted. This might manifest as being short with people, feeling drained, or even experiencing depression because we feel like we’re always listening and supporting others, yet no one is doing the same for us. We may feel unappreciated and increasingly frustrated.

Caregiving is a beautiful act, something we do for others out of love. But it’s equally important to care for ourselves. We must ensure that we’re giving in ways that are sustainable, and when we notice that caregiving is wearing us down, we need to make a change or shift our approach.

For example, maybe you’re the one on your team who has been bringing breakfast to every staff meeting, and now you’re tired of it. It might be time to change how things are done. You could speak up at the meeting and ask if someone else can bring donuts next week.

When we experience caregiver fatigue, we may need to:

• Delegate:Ask others to take on some caregiving responsibilities.

• Pull Back:Make choices about where you can do less.

• Ask for Appreciation:Sometimes people don’t realize that expressing gratitude is a form of care. Encourage them to acknowledge your efforts.

If we know caregivers in our community, it’s important to consider how we can support them. How do we take care of the aunt caring for grandma? Or the coworker who’s always stepping up to do extra tasks? What about the friend who’s overwhelmed with her children?

As observers, we can offer a listening ear. Let caregivers know you see them. A simple “thank you” or “I appreciate you” can go a long way. Even asking, “Are you okay?” shows your awareness and appreciation for their caregiving.

As caregivers, we also need to learn how to take a break without feeling like we’re abandoning everything. You’ve probably seen old TV shows where a parent goes out for cigarettes and never comes back, later resurfacing in another state with a whole new family. We don’t want to reach that point. Mentally, that person was likely on edge for a long time before they left. We see this happen with people who, on the surface, seem highly productive, but were silently suffering. Who was appreciating them? Who was checking in on them? We can get so caught up in how efficient someone is that we forget they also need emotional care.

I remember hearing about someone who was the only person on her team without kids, so she became the default for all evening activities. I told her she needed to “go find herself some busy.” Pilates can make you as busy as a four-year-old. Watching TV can make you as busy as your husband. You also have new recipes to try and need to go for a walk. Sometimes, we give tasks to people because we think they can handle them, but we might be taking advantage—or at the very least, we should consider how we’re showing our appreciation.

For some of us, it can be hard to give a compliment. For me, it’s easy. When I worked as a social worker and had to visit people’s homes, compliments were my way of easing into the situation and breaking the ice. I’d compliment their rug or even a new Glade Plug-in scent. If you find it difficult to give a compliment, try a “sneaky” one by simply noticing something. You can say, “Your hair is different,” or “Is that your new car in the driveway?” You’re not necessarily saying you like it, but you’re letting the person know that you see them and are paying attention.

Journal Prompt

How do you receive care from others? How do you care for the people who care for you?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• 4 Ways to Keep Your Vacation Going After You’re Back, by Jancee Dunn in The New York Times.

• How to Break Up With Someone in the Kindest Possible Way, by Candice Jalili and the Cut, in The Cut. 

• The Idea of You. You can watch this movie on Prime Video.

• Black Cake. You can watch this series on Hulu.