Embracing Gentle, Drama-Free Endings
There is a middle ground between ghosting and confrontation
Our lives are full of gentle endings. Think about the amount of people we’ve met in life, even from one grade to another when we were in elementary school. Our friends changed from year to year, and often with very little fanfare. There wasn’t a conversation about it. You just split. This kind of easeful separation is possible even in adulthood.
There are ways to gently walk away from a relationship that is neither abrupt nor aggressive. Maybe an event happens, nothing catastrophic, but something that shifts the way we interact, like a move, and there is an understanding between us and the other person that our relationship is forever changed. In these instances, we can leave the relationship without having to explain ourselves or get to the bottom of it.
There are many catalysts for light closure:
Going to college
Getting married
Embracing sobriety
Having children
A change in interests
Starting a new job
When we go through these transitions, some of the relationships that were attached to our previous circumstances end, but it’s not anything dramatic. There’s no need for confrontation. It just happens. We may find ourselves forcing conversations for the sake of closure but it’s not necessary.
Sometimes we don’t even want to end a relationship, we just want to do it less. If we have been spending everyday with a person, maybe we don’t want to do that anymore, but it’s not that we don’t want to see them at all. Do we really need to tell the person “I don’t want to see you every day”? Saying that may end the relationship altogether. What are we saying to people that needs to be said, and what are we volunteering to clear our conscience?
We need to ask ourselves what our intentions are. If we’re not looking for the other person to change, and we recognize that we are seeking something different, how will explicitly telling them that we don’t enjoy their company anymore alter that?
I was telling a friend about how I was not as engaged in one of my friendships as I used to be, and she asked me if I was going to talk to the person about it. I told her I hadn’t planned on it. I don’t need to tell her I’m stepping back when it’s clear I’m stepping back. Me not calling is clear. Me not inviting her to events is clear. My actions are clear.
Here are some instances where a soft ending may be an option:
The feeling is mutual. Both parties have gradually drifted apart, and there is no pressure from either side to increase the frequency and intensity of your communication.
There is a silent agreement. Both parties recognize that the dynamic inside of the relationship has changed, and have begun to act accordingly.
When you have tried to have conversations about making small changes in the relationship in the past and those attempts have been met with a disproportionate reaction. Here a gentle ending may facilitate a separation that won’t cause conflict.
Soft endings are not appropriate in every situation, but in some, it provides a drama-free resolution to a relationship that is a much healthier option than the alternatives.
Journal Prompts
What soft endings have you experienced in your life?
How easy or challenging is it for you to lean into soft endings? What makes it easy? What makes it challenging?
Read
‘Quiet Quitting’: Everything about this so-called trend is nonsense, by Tayo Bero, in The Guardian.
The Underrated Therapy for Anxiety and Stress: Water, by Elizabeth Bernstein, in The Wall Street Journal.
Listen
Malcolm Gladwell: Working From Home Is Destroying Us on The Diary of a CEO. In this episode Gladwell shares his insights with host Steven Bartlett. You can listen to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab on the We Can Do Hard Things podcast hosted by Glennon Doyle. You can listen to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you steam podcasts.
Would you rather have someone tell you with their words, or their actions that they don’t want to spend time with you? Tell me about it in the comments!