Creating a Life That Works for You:
Embrace the fact that everything isn’t for everyone
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When I tell people the amount of books I read I often hear, “I want to read more,” or, “I should read more,”and my first question is always, “Do you like to read?” People often say that they don’t, so then why would they say they want to read more?
I have a class on Skillshare where I talk about how sometimes we don’t stick to or achieve our goals because they’re not actually our goals, they’re someone else’s. We see someone else doing something and it looks good on them so we think the same will be true for us. Someone sees how much I enjoy reading, and decides they would enjoy it too, but we’re not the same. You don’t have to go around reading all the time if you don’t like books. What works for one person may not work for someone else.
We pressure ourselves to do things because they sound good, or because someone we consider influential has done something in a particular way and so we tell ourselves that’s the only way it can be done. What we really need to think about is what works for us. In order for something to work for us, it has to be something we can sustain, and that can’t happen if we’re not actually invested in it. All of us can read a book for a day, but if you don’t actually like to read will you still be reading the book by the end of the week or the month?
This doesn’t just apply to habits that we’re trying to pick up. In relationships we have to think about our needs, preferences, likes, and dislikes. We have to dig into our own values, not just be reliant upon what our parents say, or what our friends think, or what some famous person is doing.
Part of the reason we latch on to what other people are doing is that we are confused about how admiration works. Just because you admire something doesn’t mean you have to adopt it as your own. It’s like when you take a small child on a walk, and they want to bring home everything they see. The dandelion! This rock! That stick! Before you know it you’re laden down with more things than you can manage to carry home with you. You can admire something without picking it up.
This is not to say you can’t be a collector of something, but it is to say you can’t be a collector of everything. Before you take something on, take a minute to consider:
Is it aligned with your values?
Is it something you were previously considering?
Does it fit your personality?
Do you have room for it in your life?
Is it something you can stick to?
If you try to take on too much, you will fail. This is one of the challenges with reading self-help books. In my book Set Boundaries, Find Peace there are dozens of suggestions for setting boundaries, but if you try to do them all at once you won’t be successful. Please don’t do that. Instead, try one or two things at a time, and then, once you feel confident, go back and try something new.
Doing too much creates mental clutter, and it will become difficult for you to even do one thing, because your brain is living inside of a mental traffic jam. Figure out what works for you, pace yourself, and allow the process to take as much time as it needs to.
Journal Prompts
When have you been successful incorporating new practices and habits into your life? What do you think led to your success?
What is a habit or practice you would like to incorporate into your life? Where did the inspiration for this new habit or practice come from?
Read
Peace Is a Practice: An Invitation to Breathe Deep and Find a New Rhythm for Life, by Morgan Harper Nichols. You can find this book on Amazon and Bookshop.
6 Necessary Steps For Couples To Finally Move On From A Painful Fight, by Jordan Dann on Mind Body Green.
The Seven Habits That Lead to Happiness in Old Age, by Arthur C. Brooks in The Atlantic.
Watch
Snowfall. Now that it is back with its fifth season, I am no longer available to do anything else because I’m too busy watching. Each episode has me on the edge of my seat. The development of Franklin has been epic. You can watch Snowfall on FX and Hulu.
Listen
How to Fight With Your Parents on the How To! podcast. In this episode nurse and novelist Elizabeth Berg shares her thoughts on how to navigate relationships with parents as we (and they) age. You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.
Disclaimer: I receive commissions for purchases made through links for Amazon and Bookshop.