Being Gentle With Yourself in Real Time
Shifting the negative thought patterns you have around who you are
I don’t have many rules with my clients, but I do have one. I tell my clients they can not be in a session with me talking badly about themselves. I don’t want to hear things like “I’m so stupid,” “That was dumb of me,” or “I’m such an idiot.” All of that is like nails on a chalkboard for a therapist. I can’t take it. As soon as a client starts to go down that road, I stop them.
These comments usually circle back to a mistake that was made, or an accident that occurred. For whatever reason, we internalize these kinds of incidents as reflections on us and who we are, but we all make mistakes. Accidents happen to everyone. Human error is normal. We have to be careful with how we describe ourselves to ourselves. When we have a negative inner dialogue, it will rip us to shreds. When we throw our history up in our own faces, we come to the conclusion that we’re not good at things, whether it’s relationships or journaling, and we end up giving up before we’ve really even tried.
I had a friend who told me he was a bad cook. I told him he was an unpracticed cook. He probably over-seasoned something, or burnt something and decided that was it. I have been cooking for years, probably since I was in middle school, and I still burn stuff sometimes. I burned a grilled cheese just the other day. I put it on the stove, then I started fiddling with a plant, and the next thing I knew it was burnt. It doesn’t mean I’m a bad cook, it just means I made a mistake.
With those labels we put on ourselves, not only do we think it, but then we start to believe it. We turn a single mistake or an isolated incident into an entire identity. Sometimes it’s not even about us. Sometimes we are talking badly about ourselves based on circumstances that are or were beyond our control.
Here are some things to consider when trying to find your way out of negative thought patterns:
Catch yourself doing it. When you notice that you are using negative terms to describe yourself, take a minute and think about where it’s coming from. Is that how you’ve been described by others? Is that something you were told about yourself? How did you come to believe this about yourself?
Ask yourself, is this useful or useless? Is it helping or hurting for you to think about yourself in this way?
Notice when you label other people in similar ways. When the people around you make mistakes, pay attention to the way you react. As human beings, we can be really hard on ourselves, and it in turn makes us hard on other people. The level of perfection that we hold ourselves up to is also the level we hold other people to.
We need to remember that we are human and show ourselves, and others, some grace.
Journal Prompts
What are some common derogatory terms you use to describe yourself?
How do you feel when you witness other people talking badly about themselves?
Read
Can Narcissists Change? We Talked to Diagnosed Narcissists Who Claim They Have Changed, by Jenna Ryu, in USA Today. I get so many questions about narcissists. This article focuses on a guy who was clinically diagnosed as a narcissist. He talks about becoming more aware of other people and shifting his behavior. It’s a pretty good article.
Watch
The Loot. This show stars Maya Rudolph and it is so funny. I binged the episodes and I was cracking up to the point where my husband came downstairs to check on me, because he was sure it couldn’t be that funny. You can watch the show on Apple TV+.
Listen
Boundaries Are a Beautiful Thing with Nedra Glover Tawaab on The Suga podcast hosted by Tika Sumpter and Thai Randolph. You can listen to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.
How to Create Boundaries in Your Personal, Professional, and Financial Life with Nedra Glover Tawwab, on the Journey to Launch podcast. I often talk about boundaries when I am on podcasts, but in this one, I was happy to be able to also share some information about myself and my career. You can listen to it on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.
Is there a negative label that you have attached to yourself that you would like to let go of? Tell me about it in the comments.
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